Chapter 8
“Hi.” She says softly looking right at me. I don’t reply. “I’ve been watching you; you shouldn’t sit over here not eating it makes them worse.” She says but I still stay silent. “I’m Melissa, what are you here for?” She asks sliding her shirt up very slightly to let me see scars across her chest. I move my left arm showing the bandage on it that is right below my hospital bracelets. She nods slightly.
Then she stands up and lightly wraps her hand around my right wrist and pulls me to the closest table that is still pretty deserted so I let her. She grabs a piece of paper and one of the blunted pencils from the middle of the table and starts drawing almost random looking lines. “What’s your name?” She asks lightly looking up at me. When I still don’t answer she smiles slightly then looks down and continues drawing. I watch her for a little and her eyes still don’t look at me. As she continues to draw it finally dawns on me what she is drawing. It’s me; I just look so different that I hardly recognize myself.
“Kevin.” I say really lightly and she doesn’t look up still. She finishes the drawing darkening up the bags under my eyes and then slides it over so that it is in front of me.
“It looks sad Kevin, real sad.” Melissa says and I don’t reply. The lunch cart comes and when it does Melissa goes over and grabs two lunches and sets one in front of me. I don’t complain because the same dark lady is pushing the cart and I know that if Melissa didn’t put the food in front of me then she would. Melissa leans down over her tray to the point that it’s hard to tell if she is eating it. I lazily scoop up some peas with the plastic spoon and stick it in my mouth. The taste revolts me even though I actually like peas and I chew then swallow miserably.
“You don’t actually have to eat it.” She says lifting her head up slightly. “Just pretend, take spoonfuls then spit it back out; stay low to the tray.” She says and I look at her realizing that’s what she’s been doing all along. I lower my own body and do as she says chewing the food that is still way too flavorful every once in a while swallowing very small bites. After a while she takes both of the trays and empties them out in to the trash.
She sits back down by me and we talk a little before I’m told I have a visitor. Jesse walks in looking very confused even as he notices me and walks over then sits down next to me. Melissa gets up when looking at Jesse then walks off a bit leaving the drawing by me still. Jesse looks at me not quite meeting my eyes, he hands me a small pile of clothes. “They took the bag.” He says shrugging slightly and I nod.
I can tell that he doesn’t know what to say so we stay silent. “Why’d you do it?” He asks and I know he is talking about me trying to kill myself. I stay quiet and look down at the picture Melissa drew. “Please just tell me Kevin.” He says sliding his hand on to my hip under the table. I look at him sadly.
“I couldn’t choose.” I tell him and his face clouds up and I know he is feeling bad for making me choose. He keeps quiet biting his lip slightly. “I’m sorry.” I tell him and he looks at me silently asking why I’m sorry. “I shouldn’t have started dating Ito, at all. I knew he was too old for me and I was lying just to get into that club. But I shouldn’t have slept with you either, I was already dating Ito and it was wrong to lead you on.” I say knowing that both things are true.
“Well I should have just told you how I felt. I’m sorry too. I knew that you were dating Ito when we started dating so it’s my fault too. I’ll back off ok, don’t feel like you have to choose.” He tells me and with those few words he gets up and starts to leave. Right before he walks out the door he turns around. “Oh Mr. Masûmakè asked about you and I kinda told him where you were so if you get any homework on account of me sorry.” He says and before I get a chance to get any words out with the shocked look on my face he leaves. I cuss lightly under my breath thinking of Ito knowing where I am and the fact of what might happen if he comes to visit me at the same time Jess does or at all.
I walk off to my room placing the clothes on my bed not bothering to look at them or change out of the hospital clothes. I sit in there for a few minutes thinking of Ito then I walk back to the common room and sit at the table again seeing that Melissa is sitting in the corner. We stay that way until the dinner cart shows up and like before she grabs two plates and brings them both to the table setting one in front of me. “Who was he?” She asks me and dimly confused I manage to reply.
“Who?” I ask very lightly.
“Him. The visitor.” She says and I shrug not wanting to talk about Jesse or to worry about Ito but doing both in my head anyway.
“A friend.” I answer softly not even smiling at the fact that Jesse came here just thinking of how messed up this has all gotten.
“Friends are normal, normal is good.” She says evenly her voice monotone as she shovels food in and out of her mouth. I lamely swallow a few spoonfuls of the food mostly spiting it back out with my stomach’s protests and my mind telling me how bad it tastes. I let the taste and the emptiness battle it out spoonful by spoonful; in the end the majority of the food stays on the plate uneaten only a little making it to my starving body. Melissa throws the rest of our food away setting the trays to be taken then sits by me again. In the slight conversation we have before we are told to go to our small rooms Jess doesn’t come up again.
As I wake up I look at the pile of clothes I placed on the floor the night before bothering to pick up some of Jesse’s clothes and put them on. When I bother to look at the clothes I put on I cry a little at seeing which clothes he put on top of the pile and I put on with out looking at. They are the clothes that he was wearing when we first had sex. Still I wipe my eyes and head out of the small room not wanting someone to come into my room to get me.
This morning as I walk to the common room Melissa is already up and sitting at one of the tables drawing. I lamely walk over to her and sit down, but as I sit down neither of us say a word and she continues to draw. Her picture doesn’t seem to make any logical sense; it’s just a blur of lines and different textures lacking color with her dull pencil. It dizzyates me twisting my mind as well as my eyesight. Colors in reality twisting and turning added pictures that I know aren’t there. Faces starring looking right into mine and with the strangest looks. My fists tighten up as I try to get a grip on something still my vision swirls further and I black out.
The strange visions don’t stop as I feel my body rush towards the floor and hit hard. I can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t anymore I have to just let it happen and try to make sense of it all. Still the faces haunt me swirling around black hair blue eyes, brown hair brown eyes. Not matching, incorrect features expressions all wrong. I scream not sure if anyone can hear me. Then everything turns black and I know that if I cannot even hear my own screams then no else can. I wonder what the chances are of delayed suicide that I still somehow got it right or wrong with either case that I am dead.
Upon waking up again with an I.V. in my skin I know again that still I live. This time though I feel the needle is in the back of my left hand. I feel how uneven my breathing is without even opening my eyes. So I keep them closed knowing that if my breathing and my mind’s sight is off now then I really don’t need to add reality to it. My senses come back to me slowly and I remember Jesse turning around right as he left to tell me that he told Mr. Masûmakè where I was and remember the look on his face and how we had been talking before that about Ito and I wonder if he knows.
It bothers me slightly but not too much somehow I don’t really know why it should bother me. I open my eyes and am not too surprised to see that I am still in the mental hospital rather than the normal hospital I was in before. No other person is in the room but I know this isn’t a normal hospital that I am in some how just off instinct. Figuring it can’t matter much any more I let myself fall back asleep thinking it must be nighttime.
When I wake up again it isn’t entirely by choice. I feel my body being moved and hands down by my thigh. I open my eyes wondering what is going on only to see a nurse unwrapping the bandage around my thigh from when the hospital bandaged it up. I ease up only now realizing that I tensed up and lightly close my eyes again but not able to let my body ease back into sleep.
I sigh opening my eyes again as I feel the nurse move away. The nurse leaves the room and I take the time to actually look down at the nasty scar left on my thigh. With one look at the deep and wide scar I know it won’t heal up perfectly, I’ll be left with the scar probably for life. Upon looking at the matching scar on my left wrist I can tell that that one, at least, will not remain.
After a little while a doctor comes in, and I look at him. “What happened?” I ask still quite sure as to the reason of my fainting. The doctor looks over at me and smiles slightly.
“Oh good you’re awake.” He says and pauses before answering my question. “Well you fainted from lack of food. My guess is that since you haven’t been eating much since your stomach was pumped yet you have still been moving around as much as normal, you didn’t have the energy and you fainted. You are going to have to have the I.V. hooked up to you for a few days just to make sure it doesn’t happen again. In the mean time, try to eat some actual food. Also you’re going to stay in this room for the rest of the day and your counselor will come to see you later today. If you need anything there is a button on the arm of the bed.” He tells me checking my vitals the whole time while he speaks. I nod along to it a few times but mainly keep quiet. “Also while you are in this part of the hospital you aren’t allowed visitors.” He says and I merely nod again, but then I speak up softly as he turns to leave.
“Can I have something to eat?” I ask feeling that strangely enough I am wanting to eat rather then just ignoring my stomach’s urging. He turns around just enough to smile slightly and nod yet he still leaves without a word. I look at the arm of the hospital bed and then slowly move my left arm over to hit one of the buttons making the chair sit up forcing my body up as well. I relax in this position finding it better than just lying down.
Not too much later another nurse shows up and leaves me a tray of food that surprisingly I can actually recognize. I spoon a little of the Jell-O into my mouth and don’t bother to chew it before swallowing. I manage to eat all of the Jell-O and some of the mashed potatoes, but that’s all I can get down. All of the food on my plate seems to be the type that doesn’t need chewing.
Right as I lie my tray down on the table next to the bed ‘Cody’ walks in taking a seat at a nearby chair. I lamely half wave to him, not really wanting to be nice. “What up?” I say and he just looks me right in the eye.
“You do know why you’re here right?”
“Yup. Cuz the pills didn’t work so I wondered if starving myself would.” I snarl at him not really meaning my words and not caring either.
“I know that you don’t mean that, but you need to eat.”
“I need to do this and I need to do that. Fuck it.”
“Who was it that came to visit you the day before yesterday?” He asks changing the subject and I let him.
“Was that so long ago?” I ask at hearing him say I slept through another day. He nods rather than replying and I shrug. “Jake.” I reply not caring that only relatives are allowed and barely remembering the fake name I gave for Jesse before.
“He signed in as a ‘Jesse Jackson’ yet your records say you’re an only child.” He tells me as I already know this and don’t really care so again I shrug.
“Sorry was I supposed to continue lounging around in hospital clothes because my mom won’t get off of her high horse and talk to me ever since I told her I’m gay?”
“Your mother isn’t talking to you?”
“No.” I say and for a moment he stays quiet.
“How long has this been going on?”
“Since I told her.”
“How recent was that?”
“In the hospital after I tried to kill myself. I told her and she walked out of the room without a word and slammed the door.” I say not exactly happy with her actions even now. He doesn’t respond and we stay quiet for a little while.
“I remember that you said Ian has a son right?” He says and I nod at remembering Ito’s false name as well and not quite knowing where he is going with this. “You don’t find it weird to date someone old enough to be a father?” He asks and I start to shake my head but then I answer instead.
“No, I mean he’s only ten years older than me so it’s not like he’s old enough to be my father or anything.” I rationalize.
“How old is his son?”
“Micheal’s seven.” I answer accenting his name in the normal way rather than the way Ito and Natalie pronounce it and Cody nods.
“And how is Ian with his son?”
“Great,” I answer just thinking of how he melts at the hands of the seven-year-old without even knowing it. “He’s sweet and kind and a perfect father.” I say just myself realizing that I do indeed feel like he is those things.
“Have you ever felt like you might just be looking for a father figure in Ian?” He asks and I feel myself get angry at even the suggestion of that. I glare daggers at him.
“Leave!” I tell him and as his mouth opens to protest I repeat myself louder. “LEAVE!” I yell and this time he listens exiting the door and leaving me alone to sulk. How could it ever be possible for me to just think of Ito as a father figure? I’m not looking for a father. I don’t want him as a father. I want him as a lover. Infuriated I actually bother to pick up the food tray and eat the rest of it not even bothering to look at it first. I eat all of it and turn around in the bed not quite smothering myself with the pillow but with the slight lack of air and my overfull stomach it’s enough to put me to sleep again.
Upon waking again I rush into the small attached bathroom and puke my brains out. As the stomach fluids race out of me I convulse at the feeling of it. My hair rushes in front of me and I don’t even bother to pull it out of the way. I’m so absorbed in my stomach emptying itself out that I don’t even notice the door opening. As I finally finish I stay there on my knees my arm stretched up slightly to keep the I.V. in. I hear a soft knock on the bathroom door and so I grab a bit of toilet paper and wipe my mouth off tossing it in the toilet and flushing. When I stand back up again I see that a nurse has entered the room. I say nothing as I move my weary body back to the bed and toss myself on it.
“Not feeling good?” She asks and I just partly nod. “Don’t worry you probably just ate too much; try to take it easy on the food for a little while alright.” She says and again I just nod trying to get into a more comfortable position on the bed. She steps closer to me and refills the liquid in the now empty I.V. making more nutrients go into my deprived body. I bother to lower the bed back into a lying position and try to relax even as I swear I can feel the liquid entering my blood.
I manage to get into a slightly more comfortable position but unlike the actual hospital this room doesn’t have a television so I am at a loss as for what to do. Luckily for me though not too much later Cody shows up again and I glare at him regardless of the fact that it gives me something to do. “I thought I told you to leave.” I tell him my voice completely monotone as I talk.
He, however, just sits down in the chair and looks right at me. “Alright I’ll admit that I shouldn’t have said what I did yesterday. I’m sorry.” He says his voice professionally calm and distant at the same time.
“Well you should be. I’m not some sicko with an Electra complex.” I complain to him still feeling a little nauseous at even the thought of his comment about Ito. We both stay quiet in a moment of awkward silence before I speak up again thinking about this sterile white room we are in. “So do I still get to go back to my other room today?” I ask him and he looks at me then nods slightly.
“So why did you call Jake instead of Ian anyway?” He asks and I let my answer be as generic as possible.
“Because Jake is the same size as me so it isn’t a bother for him to find clothes my size.” True but not the reason, in fact not really even relevant. Still it seems to satisfy Cody as he continues to talk yet moves on to another subject.
“Kevin when exactly did you find out that you like boys?” He asks me and with a question like that I pray to God that the next one isn’t the worst cliché of all. Have you ever tried not being gay? I hate those stupid questions.
“I didn’t ‘find out’ I just never felt that attracted to girls. Guys seemed much more… interesting.” I reply surprisingly honest. “I had my first and pretty much only boyfriend at fourteen but he moved away.”
“What do you mean by only boyfriend?” He asks and I sigh at the thought of even explaining that, still I start to.
“Well after a year of dating me and taking my virginity he cheated on me right before he moved away. So after that I stayed single for a while not really wanting to tell any of my other friends that I was gay. When I was sixteen my friends and I all got some fake I.D.s and went to a club after that I started going to clubs on my own to meet guys. I ended up having to call Jake to come pick me up which led me to telling him. Technically I’m not with either Jake or Ian just sleeping with them and kind of dating. Jake would rather we be actually dating though.” I say not sure if any of it makes sense and not really caring.
He doesn’t even bother to answer me instead he scribbles something down on his clipboard and then stands up. “Alright well for now you can go back to the common room but you need to stay on the I.V. for a few more days so every once in a while a nurse will come to refill it. That’s about it. Remember to eat but go easy on it build up slowly to more food. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow.” He tells me and for a while I just sit there still. “Come on get up time to go back unless you would rather stay here.” That gets me up and I slowly stand my hand gripping the I.V. stand.
I follow Cody back to the common area where he leaves me at the entrance. Rather than actually entering I opt for going back to my sterile room to change out of the hospital gown I am in. I grab some of Jesse’s clothes noticing that the clothes I was wearing before have been laundered and placed on my bed. I strip out of the gown and put on Jesse’s clothes and smell him on them. A slight tear leaves my eye again but still I just walk out of the room and back to the common room.
Melissa is nowhere to be seen so I just sit in the corner again. After not too long though the breakfast cart shows up and strangely enough so does Jesse. The fact that Jesse shows up is made weirder by the fact that I know I fainted Saturday and stayed in the hospital room for at least a day so today has to at least be Monday and he should be at school. Still as he pulls a chair up next to me and I start to eat a little we don’t say a word. Once I’ve eaten all I think I can, which isn’t much, I turn towards Jesse. “What are you doing here, don’t you have school?” I ask and he smiles slightly.
“I ditched so I could come see you.” He tells me sliding his hand onto my hip under the table. Unlike last time when he came to visit though I push his hand off of my hip.
“You shouldn’t have.” I say easily wondering why he hasn’t mentioned the I.V. I’m hooked up to.
“I had to. I came here Saturday but they said I couldn’t see you because you fainted and so I came back yesterday and today when they still wouldn’t let me see you yesterday.” He tells me and that makes me sure of the date and at the same time it makes me a little happier that he cares that much and it even makes me blush a little.
“Thanks Jess.” I tell him sure of the fact that he sees me blushing.
“So what happened with you fainting?” He asks and he really does seem interested.
“Malnutrition; I wasn’t eating enough so I fainted.” I say not looking at him as I talk.
“Is that why you have the I.V.?” He asks and I nod. Jesse ends up staying for quite a few hours even until after he would be at school. We don’t talk about our relationship or Ito and it’s kind of nice. It’s almost like it was before we had sex when we were still just friends. It’s hard for me to believe that that was not even two weeks ago. Still it feels almost normal to talk to Jesse this way and strangely I almost like it better than how it has been since that day.
But then a nurse comes into the common room and calls out my name. “Kevin Jackson?”
“Yes?” I turn towards her.
“There is an Ito Masûmakè here to see you.” She says and at her words Jesse turns to look at me his eyes absolutely shocked and even slightly disgusted.
Then she stands up and lightly wraps her hand around my right wrist and pulls me to the closest table that is still pretty deserted so I let her. She grabs a piece of paper and one of the blunted pencils from the middle of the table and starts drawing almost random looking lines. “What’s your name?” She asks lightly looking up at me. When I still don’t answer she smiles slightly then looks down and continues drawing. I watch her for a little and her eyes still don’t look at me. As she continues to draw it finally dawns on me what she is drawing. It’s me; I just look so different that I hardly recognize myself.
“Kevin.” I say really lightly and she doesn’t look up still. She finishes the drawing darkening up the bags under my eyes and then slides it over so that it is in front of me.
“It looks sad Kevin, real sad.” Melissa says and I don’t reply. The lunch cart comes and when it does Melissa goes over and grabs two lunches and sets one in front of me. I don’t complain because the same dark lady is pushing the cart and I know that if Melissa didn’t put the food in front of me then she would. Melissa leans down over her tray to the point that it’s hard to tell if she is eating it. I lazily scoop up some peas with the plastic spoon and stick it in my mouth. The taste revolts me even though I actually like peas and I chew then swallow miserably.
“You don’t actually have to eat it.” She says lifting her head up slightly. “Just pretend, take spoonfuls then spit it back out; stay low to the tray.” She says and I look at her realizing that’s what she’s been doing all along. I lower my own body and do as she says chewing the food that is still way too flavorful every once in a while swallowing very small bites. After a while she takes both of the trays and empties them out in to the trash.
She sits back down by me and we talk a little before I’m told I have a visitor. Jesse walks in looking very confused even as he notices me and walks over then sits down next to me. Melissa gets up when looking at Jesse then walks off a bit leaving the drawing by me still. Jesse looks at me not quite meeting my eyes, he hands me a small pile of clothes. “They took the bag.” He says shrugging slightly and I nod.
I can tell that he doesn’t know what to say so we stay silent. “Why’d you do it?” He asks and I know he is talking about me trying to kill myself. I stay quiet and look down at the picture Melissa drew. “Please just tell me Kevin.” He says sliding his hand on to my hip under the table. I look at him sadly.
“I couldn’t choose.” I tell him and his face clouds up and I know he is feeling bad for making me choose. He keeps quiet biting his lip slightly. “I’m sorry.” I tell him and he looks at me silently asking why I’m sorry. “I shouldn’t have started dating Ito, at all. I knew he was too old for me and I was lying just to get into that club. But I shouldn’t have slept with you either, I was already dating Ito and it was wrong to lead you on.” I say knowing that both things are true.
“Well I should have just told you how I felt. I’m sorry too. I knew that you were dating Ito when we started dating so it’s my fault too. I’ll back off ok, don’t feel like you have to choose.” He tells me and with those few words he gets up and starts to leave. Right before he walks out the door he turns around. “Oh Mr. Masûmakè asked about you and I kinda told him where you were so if you get any homework on account of me sorry.” He says and before I get a chance to get any words out with the shocked look on my face he leaves. I cuss lightly under my breath thinking of Ito knowing where I am and the fact of what might happen if he comes to visit me at the same time Jess does or at all.
I walk off to my room placing the clothes on my bed not bothering to look at them or change out of the hospital clothes. I sit in there for a few minutes thinking of Ito then I walk back to the common room and sit at the table again seeing that Melissa is sitting in the corner. We stay that way until the dinner cart shows up and like before she grabs two plates and brings them both to the table setting one in front of me. “Who was he?” She asks me and dimly confused I manage to reply.
“Who?” I ask very lightly.
“Him. The visitor.” She says and I shrug not wanting to talk about Jesse or to worry about Ito but doing both in my head anyway.
“A friend.” I answer softly not even smiling at the fact that Jesse came here just thinking of how messed up this has all gotten.
“Friends are normal, normal is good.” She says evenly her voice monotone as she shovels food in and out of her mouth. I lamely swallow a few spoonfuls of the food mostly spiting it back out with my stomach’s protests and my mind telling me how bad it tastes. I let the taste and the emptiness battle it out spoonful by spoonful; in the end the majority of the food stays on the plate uneaten only a little making it to my starving body. Melissa throws the rest of our food away setting the trays to be taken then sits by me again. In the slight conversation we have before we are told to go to our small rooms Jess doesn’t come up again.
As I wake up I look at the pile of clothes I placed on the floor the night before bothering to pick up some of Jesse’s clothes and put them on. When I bother to look at the clothes I put on I cry a little at seeing which clothes he put on top of the pile and I put on with out looking at. They are the clothes that he was wearing when we first had sex. Still I wipe my eyes and head out of the small room not wanting someone to come into my room to get me.
This morning as I walk to the common room Melissa is already up and sitting at one of the tables drawing. I lamely walk over to her and sit down, but as I sit down neither of us say a word and she continues to draw. Her picture doesn’t seem to make any logical sense; it’s just a blur of lines and different textures lacking color with her dull pencil. It dizzyates me twisting my mind as well as my eyesight. Colors in reality twisting and turning added pictures that I know aren’t there. Faces starring looking right into mine and with the strangest looks. My fists tighten up as I try to get a grip on something still my vision swirls further and I black out.
The strange visions don’t stop as I feel my body rush towards the floor and hit hard. I can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t anymore I have to just let it happen and try to make sense of it all. Still the faces haunt me swirling around black hair blue eyes, brown hair brown eyes. Not matching, incorrect features expressions all wrong. I scream not sure if anyone can hear me. Then everything turns black and I know that if I cannot even hear my own screams then no else can. I wonder what the chances are of delayed suicide that I still somehow got it right or wrong with either case that I am dead.
Upon waking up again with an I.V. in my skin I know again that still I live. This time though I feel the needle is in the back of my left hand. I feel how uneven my breathing is without even opening my eyes. So I keep them closed knowing that if my breathing and my mind’s sight is off now then I really don’t need to add reality to it. My senses come back to me slowly and I remember Jesse turning around right as he left to tell me that he told Mr. Masûmakè where I was and remember the look on his face and how we had been talking before that about Ito and I wonder if he knows.
It bothers me slightly but not too much somehow I don’t really know why it should bother me. I open my eyes and am not too surprised to see that I am still in the mental hospital rather than the normal hospital I was in before. No other person is in the room but I know this isn’t a normal hospital that I am in some how just off instinct. Figuring it can’t matter much any more I let myself fall back asleep thinking it must be nighttime.
When I wake up again it isn’t entirely by choice. I feel my body being moved and hands down by my thigh. I open my eyes wondering what is going on only to see a nurse unwrapping the bandage around my thigh from when the hospital bandaged it up. I ease up only now realizing that I tensed up and lightly close my eyes again but not able to let my body ease back into sleep.
I sigh opening my eyes again as I feel the nurse move away. The nurse leaves the room and I take the time to actually look down at the nasty scar left on my thigh. With one look at the deep and wide scar I know it won’t heal up perfectly, I’ll be left with the scar probably for life. Upon looking at the matching scar on my left wrist I can tell that that one, at least, will not remain.
After a little while a doctor comes in, and I look at him. “What happened?” I ask still quite sure as to the reason of my fainting. The doctor looks over at me and smiles slightly.
“Oh good you’re awake.” He says and pauses before answering my question. “Well you fainted from lack of food. My guess is that since you haven’t been eating much since your stomach was pumped yet you have still been moving around as much as normal, you didn’t have the energy and you fainted. You are going to have to have the I.V. hooked up to you for a few days just to make sure it doesn’t happen again. In the mean time, try to eat some actual food. Also you’re going to stay in this room for the rest of the day and your counselor will come to see you later today. If you need anything there is a button on the arm of the bed.” He tells me checking my vitals the whole time while he speaks. I nod along to it a few times but mainly keep quiet. “Also while you are in this part of the hospital you aren’t allowed visitors.” He says and I merely nod again, but then I speak up softly as he turns to leave.
“Can I have something to eat?” I ask feeling that strangely enough I am wanting to eat rather then just ignoring my stomach’s urging. He turns around just enough to smile slightly and nod yet he still leaves without a word. I look at the arm of the hospital bed and then slowly move my left arm over to hit one of the buttons making the chair sit up forcing my body up as well. I relax in this position finding it better than just lying down.
Not too much later another nurse shows up and leaves me a tray of food that surprisingly I can actually recognize. I spoon a little of the Jell-O into my mouth and don’t bother to chew it before swallowing. I manage to eat all of the Jell-O and some of the mashed potatoes, but that’s all I can get down. All of the food on my plate seems to be the type that doesn’t need chewing.
Right as I lie my tray down on the table next to the bed ‘Cody’ walks in taking a seat at a nearby chair. I lamely half wave to him, not really wanting to be nice. “What up?” I say and he just looks me right in the eye.
“You do know why you’re here right?”
“Yup. Cuz the pills didn’t work so I wondered if starving myself would.” I snarl at him not really meaning my words and not caring either.
“I know that you don’t mean that, but you need to eat.”
“I need to do this and I need to do that. Fuck it.”
“Who was it that came to visit you the day before yesterday?” He asks changing the subject and I let him.
“Was that so long ago?” I ask at hearing him say I slept through another day. He nods rather than replying and I shrug. “Jake.” I reply not caring that only relatives are allowed and barely remembering the fake name I gave for Jesse before.
“He signed in as a ‘Jesse Jackson’ yet your records say you’re an only child.” He tells me as I already know this and don’t really care so again I shrug.
“Sorry was I supposed to continue lounging around in hospital clothes because my mom won’t get off of her high horse and talk to me ever since I told her I’m gay?”
“Your mother isn’t talking to you?”
“No.” I say and for a moment he stays quiet.
“How long has this been going on?”
“Since I told her.”
“How recent was that?”
“In the hospital after I tried to kill myself. I told her and she walked out of the room without a word and slammed the door.” I say not exactly happy with her actions even now. He doesn’t respond and we stay quiet for a little while.
“I remember that you said Ian has a son right?” He says and I nod at remembering Ito’s false name as well and not quite knowing where he is going with this. “You don’t find it weird to date someone old enough to be a father?” He asks and I start to shake my head but then I answer instead.
“No, I mean he’s only ten years older than me so it’s not like he’s old enough to be my father or anything.” I rationalize.
“How old is his son?”
“Micheal’s seven.” I answer accenting his name in the normal way rather than the way Ito and Natalie pronounce it and Cody nods.
“And how is Ian with his son?”
“Great,” I answer just thinking of how he melts at the hands of the seven-year-old without even knowing it. “He’s sweet and kind and a perfect father.” I say just myself realizing that I do indeed feel like he is those things.
“Have you ever felt like you might just be looking for a father figure in Ian?” He asks and I feel myself get angry at even the suggestion of that. I glare daggers at him.
“Leave!” I tell him and as his mouth opens to protest I repeat myself louder. “LEAVE!” I yell and this time he listens exiting the door and leaving me alone to sulk. How could it ever be possible for me to just think of Ito as a father figure? I’m not looking for a father. I don’t want him as a father. I want him as a lover. Infuriated I actually bother to pick up the food tray and eat the rest of it not even bothering to look at it first. I eat all of it and turn around in the bed not quite smothering myself with the pillow but with the slight lack of air and my overfull stomach it’s enough to put me to sleep again.
Upon waking again I rush into the small attached bathroom and puke my brains out. As the stomach fluids race out of me I convulse at the feeling of it. My hair rushes in front of me and I don’t even bother to pull it out of the way. I’m so absorbed in my stomach emptying itself out that I don’t even notice the door opening. As I finally finish I stay there on my knees my arm stretched up slightly to keep the I.V. in. I hear a soft knock on the bathroom door and so I grab a bit of toilet paper and wipe my mouth off tossing it in the toilet and flushing. When I stand back up again I see that a nurse has entered the room. I say nothing as I move my weary body back to the bed and toss myself on it.
“Not feeling good?” She asks and I just partly nod. “Don’t worry you probably just ate too much; try to take it easy on the food for a little while alright.” She says and again I just nod trying to get into a more comfortable position on the bed. She steps closer to me and refills the liquid in the now empty I.V. making more nutrients go into my deprived body. I bother to lower the bed back into a lying position and try to relax even as I swear I can feel the liquid entering my blood.
I manage to get into a slightly more comfortable position but unlike the actual hospital this room doesn’t have a television so I am at a loss as for what to do. Luckily for me though not too much later Cody shows up again and I glare at him regardless of the fact that it gives me something to do. “I thought I told you to leave.” I tell him my voice completely monotone as I talk.
He, however, just sits down in the chair and looks right at me. “Alright I’ll admit that I shouldn’t have said what I did yesterday. I’m sorry.” He says his voice professionally calm and distant at the same time.
“Well you should be. I’m not some sicko with an Electra complex.” I complain to him still feeling a little nauseous at even the thought of his comment about Ito. We both stay quiet in a moment of awkward silence before I speak up again thinking about this sterile white room we are in. “So do I still get to go back to my other room today?” I ask him and he looks at me then nods slightly.
“So why did you call Jake instead of Ian anyway?” He asks and I let my answer be as generic as possible.
“Because Jake is the same size as me so it isn’t a bother for him to find clothes my size.” True but not the reason, in fact not really even relevant. Still it seems to satisfy Cody as he continues to talk yet moves on to another subject.
“Kevin when exactly did you find out that you like boys?” He asks me and with a question like that I pray to God that the next one isn’t the worst cliché of all. Have you ever tried not being gay? I hate those stupid questions.
“I didn’t ‘find out’ I just never felt that attracted to girls. Guys seemed much more… interesting.” I reply surprisingly honest. “I had my first and pretty much only boyfriend at fourteen but he moved away.”
“What do you mean by only boyfriend?” He asks and I sigh at the thought of even explaining that, still I start to.
“Well after a year of dating me and taking my virginity he cheated on me right before he moved away. So after that I stayed single for a while not really wanting to tell any of my other friends that I was gay. When I was sixteen my friends and I all got some fake I.D.s and went to a club after that I started going to clubs on my own to meet guys. I ended up having to call Jake to come pick me up which led me to telling him. Technically I’m not with either Jake or Ian just sleeping with them and kind of dating. Jake would rather we be actually dating though.” I say not sure if any of it makes sense and not really caring.
He doesn’t even bother to answer me instead he scribbles something down on his clipboard and then stands up. “Alright well for now you can go back to the common room but you need to stay on the I.V. for a few more days so every once in a while a nurse will come to refill it. That’s about it. Remember to eat but go easy on it build up slowly to more food. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow.” He tells me and for a while I just sit there still. “Come on get up time to go back unless you would rather stay here.” That gets me up and I slowly stand my hand gripping the I.V. stand.
I follow Cody back to the common area where he leaves me at the entrance. Rather than actually entering I opt for going back to my sterile room to change out of the hospital gown I am in. I grab some of Jesse’s clothes noticing that the clothes I was wearing before have been laundered and placed on my bed. I strip out of the gown and put on Jesse’s clothes and smell him on them. A slight tear leaves my eye again but still I just walk out of the room and back to the common room.
Melissa is nowhere to be seen so I just sit in the corner again. After not too long though the breakfast cart shows up and strangely enough so does Jesse. The fact that Jesse shows up is made weirder by the fact that I know I fainted Saturday and stayed in the hospital room for at least a day so today has to at least be Monday and he should be at school. Still as he pulls a chair up next to me and I start to eat a little we don’t say a word. Once I’ve eaten all I think I can, which isn’t much, I turn towards Jesse. “What are you doing here, don’t you have school?” I ask and he smiles slightly.
“I ditched so I could come see you.” He tells me sliding his hand onto my hip under the table. Unlike last time when he came to visit though I push his hand off of my hip.
“You shouldn’t have.” I say easily wondering why he hasn’t mentioned the I.V. I’m hooked up to.
“I had to. I came here Saturday but they said I couldn’t see you because you fainted and so I came back yesterday and today when they still wouldn’t let me see you yesterday.” He tells me and that makes me sure of the date and at the same time it makes me a little happier that he cares that much and it even makes me blush a little.
“Thanks Jess.” I tell him sure of the fact that he sees me blushing.
“So what happened with you fainting?” He asks and he really does seem interested.
“Malnutrition; I wasn’t eating enough so I fainted.” I say not looking at him as I talk.
“Is that why you have the I.V.?” He asks and I nod. Jesse ends up staying for quite a few hours even until after he would be at school. We don’t talk about our relationship or Ito and it’s kind of nice. It’s almost like it was before we had sex when we were still just friends. It’s hard for me to believe that that was not even two weeks ago. Still it feels almost normal to talk to Jesse this way and strangely I almost like it better than how it has been since that day.
But then a nurse comes into the common room and calls out my name. “Kevin Jackson?”
“Yes?” I turn towards her.
“There is an Ito Masûmakè here to see you.” She says and at her words Jesse turns to look at me his eyes absolutely shocked and even slightly disgusted.