Chapter 6
I’ve been crying all day. I left Jesse’s house early this morning, mainly because his mom got home, but also because of how much we were crying. What really made me leave though was his demand. That I must choose which one of them I want to date and he refuses to even kiss me before I tell him. I can’t help it though; I meant what I said about not wanting to hurt either one of them. Though I think I might actually love them both and that makes it even harder to choose.
Jesse making me choose automatically makes me want to choose Ito just for him pushing it. Yet I can’t help but think that if I was in either one of their cases wanting to date a boy that was flirting with me and even fucking me and he was seeing another boy I would want him to stop as well. I also know that it is hurting all three of us by me keeping this going and seeing them both letting my feelings for both of them deepen.
Ito is so sweet and loving and seeing the way he is with Mikhail just makes me love him even more. Yes I did just use the word love, I have to admit it now I love them both. Plus he is so caring; I love how he just holds me and how gentle he is when we have sex sometimes. He is so different from everyone I know so much more, I don’t know, well more passionate. Like he isn’t so unthinking about things, he takes his time to truly appreciate things, especially taking his time to appreciate me. He treats me like a real person, then it really clicks, he treats me like an adult. He treats me like his equal and that really touches me. It’s so different then how I am with my friends how impulsive and uncaring we are. Like for us everything is a blur, moving so fast we can hardly keep up, and for him it’s solid like he knows what he is doing.
With Jesse though it’s just so intense, yeah it’s quick but it’s so passionate. I mean like how we were last night both of us completely drunk and we just fucked like rabbits. It feels great to be able to be impulsive with him, to just go and fuck whenever we want not really caring about the consequences. Not to mention the fact that I can actually be seen with him, that if we wanted to we could actually go out for a date and not have to worry about anyone knowing, like I would if I went for a date with Ito. With Jesse all I would have to worry about is people knowing I’m gay but he’s not ten years older then me or my teacher like Ito is.
I mean with Ito I could never have an open relationship. I would always have to worry about someone recognizing him. I could never come clean with my mom and introduce my teacher to her as my boyfriend. Never. I could never just hang out with my friends and my boyfriend if my boyfriend was Ito because they would know he is my teacher. They would know that I’m underage and he is definitely more then two years my elder. That he has definitely committed statutory rape and quite willingly at that. Well then again we haven’t actually had sex since the first night and that was before he knew I was underage and before either one of us knew he was is my teacher. I realize dimly then when it comes to actual sex I have had more with Jesse then with Ito. I have done more sexually with Ito but with Jess it is all actual sex.
It’s more lustful with Jesse when we get to anything sexual we rush it, each of us pushing fast and hard for that feeling. With Ito it’s slower it’s… loving. Both feelings are just so great though and with Ito there are times where it’s lustful as well. Lustful feelings are even better with him the way we had to worry about getting caught as I blew him not only at school but on top of his desk. How he wanted to do even more wanted to have sex there, the dominant way he is sometimes and the fact that he is my teacher just turns me on with the kinkiness of it. The way that it is so wrong and feels so right. The fact that if there was anyone I would ever actually want to top me it would definitely be Ito and I never want to bottom. The idea of my teacher being so dominate and fucking me though just sets me off, and the thought of doing something like in the classroom makes it even better. Thinking of how he could give me detention or keep me after class just for that. Yet the thought of Jesse on top of me riding my dick excites me almost the same way.
I don’t want to choose between the two of them. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t be in this situation; I never should have slept with the both of them. I was with Ito first so I never should have slept with Jesse at all. Yet I never should have been at that club either and if I wasn’t there I would never of slept with Ito. Also Jess would never have told me about his feelings for me if I wasn’t dating Ito so with out sleeping with Ito I never would of slept with Jesse. It’s just so confusing and I don’t want it to be. There is no easy answer. No simple way out. No way to keep from hurting one of them and so many ways to hurt the both of them. So many ways to hurt all of us.
I’m already hurting from all of it. Hurting from dumb decisions of sleeping with all the boys I can. Stupid choices of hurting Jesse by not dating him even though I know how he is and how much he really does like me. Feeling dumb for screwing everyone with a dick that I thought looked hot. Amazed that I don’t have some STD like AIDS after all of the boys I have slept with. I know that don’t on that because I have been tested, I’m clean. I’ve been damn lucky and I haven’t learned a thing from it. I haven’t learned to just appreciate having a real boyfriend who wants more from a relationship then just sex. To have someone who actually wants a relationship rather then a one-night stand. I don’t deserve to be so lucky now that I have two boys that really want to date me.
I don’t deserve to have Ito.
I don’t deserve Jesse.
I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to live. To have life after all of the horrible things I have done. The ways I have hurt them I can’t believe how stupid I am. I don’t deserve to have them or the chance to make them happy. The chance to be happy with them. I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve agony, pain, I deserve to die. So as I go through my toolbox and grab a box cutter I know I deserve this. I walk to the bathroom grabbing pill bottles and emptying them into my palm and downing them. I shut and lock the door, grabbing more bottles and draining them into my mouth as well. Following up the chalky pills with heavy strength cough syrup to chase it down. The feeling of it hits me making me feel worse, making me feel like shit. Like I deserve.
I lie down in the tub clutching the box cutter to me lying there fully dressed in the tub. I push the blade out and then dig the metal into my skin, tearing a deep cut into my wrist and then my thigh knowing about the huge arteries in it. I twist the knob for the bath letting the water hit me and drench my clothes. Letting the water run over me keeping the wounds open as the mix of blood loss and pill overdose hits me making me tired and weak. Dimly the noise of front door registers in my head and I hear my mother’s voice claiming she is home. Her voice gets stronger as she calls out for me to answer and I know she is too late.
She screams my name yet I barely hear a whisper of it. She starts to pound on the door over the still running water. Yelling my name as I finally get what I deserve.
Jesse making me choose automatically makes me want to choose Ito just for him pushing it. Yet I can’t help but think that if I was in either one of their cases wanting to date a boy that was flirting with me and even fucking me and he was seeing another boy I would want him to stop as well. I also know that it is hurting all three of us by me keeping this going and seeing them both letting my feelings for both of them deepen.
Ito is so sweet and loving and seeing the way he is with Mikhail just makes me love him even more. Yes I did just use the word love, I have to admit it now I love them both. Plus he is so caring; I love how he just holds me and how gentle he is when we have sex sometimes. He is so different from everyone I know so much more, I don’t know, well more passionate. Like he isn’t so unthinking about things, he takes his time to truly appreciate things, especially taking his time to appreciate me. He treats me like a real person, then it really clicks, he treats me like an adult. He treats me like his equal and that really touches me. It’s so different then how I am with my friends how impulsive and uncaring we are. Like for us everything is a blur, moving so fast we can hardly keep up, and for him it’s solid like he knows what he is doing.
With Jesse though it’s just so intense, yeah it’s quick but it’s so passionate. I mean like how we were last night both of us completely drunk and we just fucked like rabbits. It feels great to be able to be impulsive with him, to just go and fuck whenever we want not really caring about the consequences. Not to mention the fact that I can actually be seen with him, that if we wanted to we could actually go out for a date and not have to worry about anyone knowing, like I would if I went for a date with Ito. With Jesse all I would have to worry about is people knowing I’m gay but he’s not ten years older then me or my teacher like Ito is.
I mean with Ito I could never have an open relationship. I would always have to worry about someone recognizing him. I could never come clean with my mom and introduce my teacher to her as my boyfriend. Never. I could never just hang out with my friends and my boyfriend if my boyfriend was Ito because they would know he is my teacher. They would know that I’m underage and he is definitely more then two years my elder. That he has definitely committed statutory rape and quite willingly at that. Well then again we haven’t actually had sex since the first night and that was before he knew I was underage and before either one of us knew he was is my teacher. I realize dimly then when it comes to actual sex I have had more with Jesse then with Ito. I have done more sexually with Ito but with Jess it is all actual sex.
It’s more lustful with Jesse when we get to anything sexual we rush it, each of us pushing fast and hard for that feeling. With Ito it’s slower it’s… loving. Both feelings are just so great though and with Ito there are times where it’s lustful as well. Lustful feelings are even better with him the way we had to worry about getting caught as I blew him not only at school but on top of his desk. How he wanted to do even more wanted to have sex there, the dominant way he is sometimes and the fact that he is my teacher just turns me on with the kinkiness of it. The way that it is so wrong and feels so right. The fact that if there was anyone I would ever actually want to top me it would definitely be Ito and I never want to bottom. The idea of my teacher being so dominate and fucking me though just sets me off, and the thought of doing something like in the classroom makes it even better. Thinking of how he could give me detention or keep me after class just for that. Yet the thought of Jesse on top of me riding my dick excites me almost the same way.
I don’t want to choose between the two of them. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t be in this situation; I never should have slept with the both of them. I was with Ito first so I never should have slept with Jesse at all. Yet I never should have been at that club either and if I wasn’t there I would never of slept with Ito. Also Jess would never have told me about his feelings for me if I wasn’t dating Ito so with out sleeping with Ito I never would of slept with Jesse. It’s just so confusing and I don’t want it to be. There is no easy answer. No simple way out. No way to keep from hurting one of them and so many ways to hurt the both of them. So many ways to hurt all of us.
I’m already hurting from all of it. Hurting from dumb decisions of sleeping with all the boys I can. Stupid choices of hurting Jesse by not dating him even though I know how he is and how much he really does like me. Feeling dumb for screwing everyone with a dick that I thought looked hot. Amazed that I don’t have some STD like AIDS after all of the boys I have slept with. I know that don’t on that because I have been tested, I’m clean. I’ve been damn lucky and I haven’t learned a thing from it. I haven’t learned to just appreciate having a real boyfriend who wants more from a relationship then just sex. To have someone who actually wants a relationship rather then a one-night stand. I don’t deserve to be so lucky now that I have two boys that really want to date me.
I don’t deserve to have Ito.
I don’t deserve Jesse.
I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to live. To have life after all of the horrible things I have done. The ways I have hurt them I can’t believe how stupid I am. I don’t deserve to have them or the chance to make them happy. The chance to be happy with them. I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve agony, pain, I deserve to die. So as I go through my toolbox and grab a box cutter I know I deserve this. I walk to the bathroom grabbing pill bottles and emptying them into my palm and downing them. I shut and lock the door, grabbing more bottles and draining them into my mouth as well. Following up the chalky pills with heavy strength cough syrup to chase it down. The feeling of it hits me making me feel worse, making me feel like shit. Like I deserve.
I lie down in the tub clutching the box cutter to me lying there fully dressed in the tub. I push the blade out and then dig the metal into my skin, tearing a deep cut into my wrist and then my thigh knowing about the huge arteries in it. I twist the knob for the bath letting the water hit me and drench my clothes. Letting the water run over me keeping the wounds open as the mix of blood loss and pill overdose hits me making me tired and weak. Dimly the noise of front door registers in my head and I hear my mother’s voice claiming she is home. Her voice gets stronger as she calls out for me to answer and I know she is too late.
She screams my name yet I barely hear a whisper of it. She starts to pound on the door over the still running water. Yelling my name as I finally get what I deserve.