Chapter 7
Hearing a steady beeping, soft breathing, smelling cleanliness to the point of disinfectant, seeing black behind my eyelids and then I open them. I’m not sure what amazes me the most that I am waking up in a hospital bed with my mom leaning over me half covering my body, or that I woke up at all; that I am still alive. My body feels weak, there’s an I.V. in the back of my right hand, and my guess as to why it isn’t in my left hand is the thick gaze covering my wrist. The hospital gown I am in allows me to see the white gone red gauze bandage around my thigh as well. The light shining in from the mostly covered window attests to the fact that at least a day has passed, since I so desperately tried to kill myself.
Driven by having to choose between my best friend and my teacher, who to love? Forced by Jesse and even silently by Ito. Forced by myself as well, tired of making them disappointed, tired of disappointing myself with my reluctance to choose. It’s more then that though a big part of me is tired of this, and I know that probably seems like I mean I am tired of life especially after my very recent actions but it’s not, I’m tired of keeping the secret. I want to tell, to tell my mom, tell the rest of my friends. To not be ashamed of what people might say to the point of just keeping quiet, not being seen.
To be told that it’s ok to be how I am. To be able to introduce Jesse(not Ito) to my mom as my boyfriend. I can’t ever tell about Ito because to do so would be trouble for both of us. That thought alone is enough to make me think hard about what I am doing with him. I settle under the lax body of my mother, who is asleep dead to the world more then I am, and wonder how it ended up at this.
I know that I really should have ended it with Ito the moment I found out that he was my teacher. I shouldn’t have let it get to the point that there are feelings because now I’m much too deep underwater the thought of air is just that, a thought. It’s such a faint memory that I don’t even know enough to miss it.
I shouldn’t have slept with Jesse at all though; I knew how he would feel about me being with some one else. Besides that I know a big part of me believes that we shouldn’t be more then friends. There’s too big of a chance of me losing him that way. That’s probably why for the longest time I didn’t dare make any serious attempts to be with him. The picture of him is just so perfect that to touch it may make it shatter. With a picture that perfect I don’t think I belong in it.
I stop thinking quick as I notice Mom’s breathing change. Still lying on the small cot I try not to move watching as she slowly blinks her eyes and clutches my right hand tightly. My eyes close slightly as I seriously think about pretending to be asleep rather then having to explain to my mom why I tried to kill myself. Then I stop it. I’m done pretending, I’m done being invisible. I open my eyes and see my mother look at me and break into tears as she hugs me to her. With out a word I cry as well for every thing I’ve lost.
“Oh Kevin, sweetie, I was so worried…” She goes on to say something to the affect of her thinking I would never wake up, but I don’t really understand it with how much she is crying. The steady beating of my heart monitor stops being so steady. It goes completely out of wack beating very quick and loudly. I feel out of breath everything gets bleary and I pass out again.
I wake up slower this time gradually coming into awareness and feeling out of it still. My vision is bleary as I open my eyes and hear the slow beat of the heart monitor; it’s slowed down by now but more then when it was steady before. I then notice that a nurse is holding a smelling stick to my nose. “Kevin? Kevin are you with us?” She asks me looking right into my eyes. I see my mom standing behind the nurse at least I guess it is my mom, my vision isn’t completely clear. I nod rather then speak but that apparently isn’t enough for the woman. “Kevin can you tell me how old you are?” I almost want to glare at the lady but I just answer instead.
“Seventeen. You don’t need to ask me questions I know what’s going on.” I say and she just nods and writes something on her clipboard.
“Okay, the doctor will be in to see you very soon and Mrs. Jackson I need you to step out of the room with me.” She says then leaves the room taking my mom with her. I sigh softly and prop myself up on the bed pressing the button to make the bed move so I can sit. I notice that now there is a thin blanket covering my body and when I pull it off of me I see that the bandage on my leg has been replaced. I pull the blanket back up so that I don’t have to see the bandage and be reminded. Before my mom comes back another lady comes in; from the white lab coat she is wearing I’m guessing it’s the doctor.
“Hello there I’m Dr. Miller, nice to meet you Kevin.” She says politely and she holds out her hand for me to shake. I smile half-heartedly and shake her hand.
“Nice to meet you too.” I say very softly.
“Those are some pretty nasty cuts you’ve got there, Kevin, you want to tell me how you got them?” She asks seeming actually interested but I don’t believe it for a second. I know that my mom must have busted the door in and I know that I still had the box cutter on me when I passed out.
“I did it.” I say looking down as I answer her.
“Yeah, you take all those pills too?” She asks softly and I nod. “Want to tell me what happened?” She asks nicely but I just keep my lips shut this time. “You know as a doctor I’m sworn to secrecy, I’m not allowed to tell anyone what you say unless you tell me I can.” She tells me; still my lips stay shut. “Come on what do you have to lose?” She asks and this time I bother to open my mouth.
“I tried to kill myself.” I say letting my words fully settle even in my own head. The heavy meaning of them hits me for real.
“Yeah, why would you want to do that? Not happy at home?” She asks and I shake my head, I don’t think my mom is at fault for any of this. “Girl problems?” She tries again and that just makes me laugh.
“Some thing like that.” I admit. “Not girls exactly.” I tell her some how or another finding it easy to confide in this stranger.
“No? Then how is it similar?” She asks and at that I sigh.
“Boy problems actually. I’m gay.” I mange to say but I can’t look at her eyes not wanting to see the look of disgust there.
“Yeah? So what’s the problem then? Did your boyfriend leave you?” She asks and at that I actually bother to look up at her. I see that she still has the same look on her face it hasn’t changed with the admittance of my sexuality.
“No. The problem is I’m kind of dating two different guys. They both know about each other and one of them told me that I have to choose, but I can’t.” I say honestly and she just nods smiling at me softly.
“Well Kevin it’s actually been a few days since you were brought in but now that your vitals have evened out you’re going to be leaving here. It’s custom when someone tries to kill themself that we have to assess their mental health and if they are still a danger to themself then they have to be taken to a mental hospital ok. So I can’t make the assessment so you’re going to have to talk to the police officer when they get here.” She tells me and I can’t really say the news of it surprises me that much. I nod to her and she smiles at me. “In the mean time is there any thing you need?” She asks and that draws my attention to how empty my stomach is.
“I’m kind of hungry.” I say and she nods.
“That’s to be expected, you haven’t had anything to eat since you came here. You can’t have any solid food right now because your stomach had to be pumped ok?” She tells me and I nod letting it click in why the O.D. didn’t kill me. Then she leaves and I am alone again. I think slightly knowing more then likely I will be sent to a mental hospital but the most amazing thought is that I know I need it. Mostly I know that my mind is seriously fucked up.
A bit of time passes, and my mother doesn’t come back in. I assume it has something to do with her being able to influence what I say, to both the doctor and the cop to come. A nurse brings me a plate of colorless and shapeless something but the smell vaguely reminds me of food. I eat a little of it filling the plastic spoon they gave me to the brim with the colorless stuff then sliding it into my mouth. It tastes bland and I don’t bother much with chewing swallowing almost automatically. After a few bites I’m amazed that I feel full my stomach rebels against the thought of more food so I stop eating it.
I set the plate on the table next to my cot and start to lower the bed back in to a lying position. Before I get that far though the door opens again; this time a good-looking man in a blue uniform enters. I hit another button moving the bed back up to get a better look at him; all the while thinking how messed up it is that I think the man here to assess my mental health is hot. I mean beyond hot this guy is totally fuckable.
He looks right at me and smiles making him look even sexier. I grin back at him easily. “Hello there, how are you today?” He asks me and I grin.
“Alright.” I answer starting to forget why exactly that I am talking to this hot man while lying in a hospital bed.
“Alright huh? If you’re alright then what are you doing here?” He asks and I laugh a little.
“Yeah I guess so.” I agree and he smiles.
“So what are you doing here then?”
“I tried to kill myself.” I say my eyes looking down now that I remember why it is I’m talking to this man.
“Yeah. So you think that if I let you go home you’ll try again?” He asks being straightforward about it and I shrug. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asks lightly and I don’t think I should lie to him.
“I might, I don’t know.” I tell him and I really feel like that’s the best answer I can give.
“Well then I think I’m going to have to say you can’t go home. I’m going to have to have an ambulance take you to the mental hospital ok. It won’t take too long.” He tells me and then I watch as he slips out of the door as well. I sigh and lower the bed again wanting to just get a little more sleep. Of course that doesn’t happen; instead my mother walks back in. She sits in the chair next to me.
“Hey sweetie, they told me where you’re going and it’ll be too late for me to visit you today so I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m gonna bring you some clothes and anything else you want k.” She tells me and I can see that she is crying and has been for a while. She leans over and hugs me being more careful this time not putting any of her weight on me. “I’m going to miss you hun, just focus on getting better ok.” She tells me and before she can pull away I grab her wrist.
“Mom, I need to tell you something ok?” I ask her but I know it’s not really much of a question. She looks at me and nods her head crying just a few more tears from her already wet eyes. I hesitate, I feel myself heating up, I even feel a tear drop from my eye. “I’m gay.” I tell her feeling faint as I start to hyperventilate. I can’t help it that I squeeze my eyes closed waiting for her answer. Before I even dare to open my eyes I hear the door slam shut. I open my eyes again and this time I really cry. “Goodbye Mom.” I say so softly I hardly even hear myself. I cry myself to sleep before anyone else shows up.
Not too terribly surprising that what I wake up to is another nurse telling me that it is time to leave. A simple question about my mom and they inform me that she already left. I’m so cried out that that answer can’t even get a tear from me. So emotionless I don’t move a muscle to help or hinder the people loading me on the stretcher, strapping me in, and rolling me off to the ambulance. The dark night tells how dark and depressing the world is as of the moment, it also attests to the fact that it has been at least twenty-four hours since O.D. The lack of siren would probably disappoint me if I were in an ambulance for any other reason, but at this point I’m already disappointed enough.
With how late it is when I arrive they let me go straight to bed rather then meeting with a psyc, which they inform me is normal protocol. The stark white room looks more like a cell then anything else I have ever seen, still with a little help I manage to make it to the plastic covered bed and fall asleep on its hospital white sheets. The last thought on my mind is that with me missing school tomorrow both Ito and Jesse will wonder what’s up.
Waking up early, still less then fully rested, I look around my cell some more. I dress in very loose paper pants and a paper shirt that I’m assuming was left for me last night; or else, already here. The room screams two things at me sterile and temporary. No possessions and not much room for them anyway except a cubby or two built into the wall. It would ruin all of the white if there were possessions anyway. I leave my room and am redirected to a common room with a few tables, a couch, and a T.V. On the tables are little boxes of pencils the small wooden kind probably so that no one can hurt themselves with them.
Still I just ignore all of that and the few people that decorate the room choosing a small corner chair to sit in far away from it all. It takes around half an hour for some one to approach me; even though, a breakfast cart showed up and I didn’t make a move towards it going hungry instead. The person who does come towards me says they are a nurse and that I have to talk to the psychiatrist for them to assess me. I almost want to laugh at that; wasn’t that the cop’s job?
Still I stand and walk with her to another sterile white room, except this one features a large couch and a chair facing it. In the chair sits a man that honestly doesn’t look much older then Ito, he looks a lot less appealing though. “Good morning Mr. Jackson.”
“Morning.” I reply blatantly not bothering with the ‘good’ part. The nurse leaves us alone and I kind of throw myself on the couch when he motions for me to sit.
“So Mr. Jackson ”
“Kevin.” I correct him.
“Kevin then.” He agrees. “So why are you here, Kevin?”
“I thought that was your job to tell me.” I throw back and the man just takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. Yet the man doesn’t say a thing. “Fine, I tried to kill myself. Better?” I ask half sarcastically and the funny thing is he actually smiles a little.
“A little. So why then, Kevin, did you try to kill yourself?” He asks and unlike the doctor he makes no half-wit guesses. So I answer honestly.
“One of my boyfriends told me that he was tired of me messing around on him so he told me that I have to choose.”
“One? How many do you have?” He asks not even batting an eye at me saying boyfriend.
“Just two though technically speaking I’m not so much dating them as I am just seeing them.” I say for some reason feeling the need to explain it.
“So I’m to assume that by boyfriend you do mean that in a nonconventional way.” He says cryptically and instead of trading bullshit I answer bluntly.
“I’ve had sex with both of them if that’s what you mean.” I say figuring that slept with is too easy of a term for him to mess up. It amazes me that that actually makes his cheeks turn a little red.
“Yes, not that I would put it that way, but that’s what I meant. So explain to me then, Kevin, why is it that you are seeing both of these boys?”
“Well I met one of them at a club and we ended up sleeping together so after that we just kind of hit it off. The thing with the other boy is I’ve known him most of my life and liked him for the majority of the time that I’ve known I’m gay. I’d hit on him a few times but he didn’t seem interested, then one day I hit on him and he didn’t shy away. So we started messing around as well.
“The one I met at the club, I’ll call him Ian, is real nice but he is a bit older then me and he has the cutest little boy.”
“His son?” He asks interrupting me, I nod though and just continue with the story.
“The one I’ve known forever, let’s say Jake, is great but he’s so attached and I felt like I don’t want to get too connected to either of them because all of us will end up hurt. But then I was staying the night at Ian’s house and seeing him be so great with his son made me cry and I told him how I’ve never even met my dad. The day after that though, was Jake’s birthday and we got a little drunk and after sex he told me that he loved me and I said it back.
“In the morning when I told him that I didn’t really love him, he went off on saying that I was saying that because of Ian. So he told me that I had to choose between him and Ian. I couldn’t decide though, so I made another choice.” I tell him letting him come to conclusions himself about what my decision was, I’m sure the hospital filled him in.
“So how exactly did you try to kill yourself?”
“I swallowed a bunch of pills and drained a bottle of Nyquil, cut my wrist and my thigh, then lied down in the bathtub and turned the water on.” I say to him and for a time we stay quiet.
“You have anything else you want to say?” He asks and I shrug. “Well then I think you should go ahead and get back to the common area. We can talk again tomorrow.”
“So I’m stuck here?”
“At this hospital?” He asks.
“Yes.”
“Yes for two weeks at least.” I shrug and walk back out of the room and back to my small corner of the common room. Still no one bothers me and I keep from eating lunch as well. Everything starts to blend together for me; the activity around me doesn’t affect me at all. I am part of the wall, a literal wallflower. It takes until another nurse approaches me for me to even move a muscle.
“You’re allowed to use the phone now if you want to.” She tells me and I nod thinking how my mother never did bring me a change of clothes. Once we get to no longer pay payphone she leaves me alone at the phone and it takes me a few moments to think of whom I should call. I end up calling my mom and I am amazed that she actually answers the phone.
“Mom?” I ask, but unsurprisingly as soon as she hears my voice she hangs up. So I dial Jesse’s number instead.
“Hello?” He asks and a big part of me wonders what he will say to me being in a mental hospital.
“Jess?”
“Kevin? Hey where are you? I went over to your house after you missed school Monday and your mom pretty much slammed the door in my face. What’s going on?” He asks and I know that I have to just say it.
“I tried to kill myself after I left your house Sunday. I’m in a mental hospital. My mom isn’t talking to me because I told her I’m gay.” I tell him wondering how exactly he will respond to that, and how I expect him to respond to that.
“Wow!” He exclaims. “So?” He asks.
“So I won’t be at school for a while, there’s a two week hold. I was wondering if you could bring me some clothes here and visit me. My mom was going to bring me clothes until I told her so I’m stuck wearing hospital clothes. Just tell them you’re my brother when you show up. Only family is allowed to see me.”
“K then when should I show up tomorrow?” He asks not even bothering to say much of anything.
“Just come over after school, the address is 320 Madison Dr. K.”
“K, um I’ll see you then. Right now I’ve got homework I have to do ok.” He tells me and a bit more confused I answer.
“K.” As soon as I say that word he hangs up. “Bye.” I say to myself. I hang up the phone thinking slightly to myself how quick I was to call Jesse rather then Ito though mainly I think it’s because I know Jesse has clothes my size and I’m used to asking him to let me borrow clothes. I’ve just known Jesse longer and I don’t want to impose on Ito. Also I know Jesse and he understands me; I don’t know what Ito would say if I told him I’m in a mental hospital for trying to kill myself.
Before I even have a chance to call Ito, or make up my mind on whether or not I should, the nurse comes back and tells me my time is up. So I just nod and follow her back to the common area where I just sit quietly again. This time when a food cart comes in again for dinner the lady pushing it actually walks right up to me. “Don’t think that just because you sit over in this corner means I didn’t notice you not eating breakfast and lunch honey. Now common have some dinner.” She tells me her brown skinned hand moving to pass me a tray. I stop it holding the flat of my palm against the side of the tray.
“No thanks, I’m not hungry.” I tell her softly not even noticing the lack of emotion in my voice.
“Look I read your file, child, I know you just got your stomach pumped four days ago and you ain’t eaten since then. You gotta be starvin’.” She tells me her hand pushing the tray towards me again. “Come on you gotta eat little un.” I take the tray just so she’ll leave me alone rather then planning on eating it. I try to smile at her but I don’t think it ends up right.
“K. Thanks.” I tell her and it gets her to get up and walk away from me slightly. When she looks back at me I take a spoonful of what looks like mashed potatoes and put it in my mouth. She turns around and I spit it back onto the tray, its taste makes me want to gag because I haven’t tasted any thing in so long. I throw away my food not touching it again.
I stay sitting in the corner until they tell me it’s time to go to sleep, but then I just lay in the white cot tossing and turning the bandages on my thigh and my wrist making my skin itch. With the state of the bandage and the fact that the doctor didn’t take it off I don’t even make an attempt to remove it despite the itching.
So it’s exhaustion and lack of food that finally knocks me out. Yet my dreams continue to haunt me along with every thing else. Strangely enough I dream about Ito but the dream doesn’t make any sense at all. It seems almost like I’m living there and Ito is treating me just like Mikhail. It confuses me, completely throwing me for a loop, and grossing me out a bit as well.
As I get out of the white bed and put the same hospital clothes back on, I think how much I really want Jesse to show up with clothes for me. Slowly though I just walk to the common area and sit in the corner again. This time a nurse approaches me telling me I get to go to counseling again right as the breakfast cart shows up so I don’t have to make up an excuse to not take any.
This time as I show up in the counselor’s office though he has a much different look on his face. He motions for me to sit and this time I just do it not throwing myself on the couch like before. “So they tell me that you didn’t eat any of your meals yesterday. Why is that?” He asks me to begin with and I should have guessed that I would get questioned about it.
“I wasn’t hungry.” I say simply stating it as if it were obvious. He doesn’t say anything, “I don’t eat if I’m not hungry.” I tell him as if I believe he is stupid and part of me does believe it.
“You haven’t eaten anything for the past four days and before that you had your stomach pumped. How could you not be hungry?”
“I just wasn’t.” My voice sounds a bit pissed now and I can’t help it. The man takes his glasses off again rubbing the bridge of his nose in the same almost aggravated way as before. “What’s your name?” I ask randomly and this makes him look at me. Still he doesn’t reply. “What should I call you?” I ask and he puts his glasses back on and fully looks at me.
“Dr. Ferrell.” He responds.
“Can’t I just call you by your first name?” I ask him and he looks me over as if thinking about it.
“Cody.” He says quickly as if he needs to before he changes his mind. I just nod to him not actually saying it back yet, afraid that he will say I can’t call him by his first name. “Kevin what are you thinking right now?” He asks me and with the question putting me on the spot I don’t bother with making a lie I just say what I think.
“I think that this is all bull shit. I think I shouldn’t have choose between Jesse and Ito. I shouldn’t have a mother that won’t even come to see me when I’m in a fucking mental hospital just because I told her that I am gay. I shouldn’t… I just… I shouldn’t.” I say all but yelling it and completely in tears long before the end. This time when he looks at me I can’t take it and I hunch over staring at the ground instead.
“This is good.” He says and I notice all too late that I used Jesse and Ito’s real names; still ‘Cody’ doesn’t say anything about it. I sit there still sulking. “Kevin, what does your father think of this?” That simple question angers me more.
“He doesn’t, he ran away when my mom told him she was pregnant.” I tell him knowing there is a sneer on my face even if I still don’t bother to look up. All I hear in response is his pencil writing on his clipboard. So I slowly look up at him, my hair hiding my eyes and for once I don’t regret leaving it long.
“Do you wish your father hadn’t left?” He asks me and I know I have thought about that question more then a few times. I nod instead of answering out loud. “Well Kevin that’s all the time we have now. I’m going to prescribe an antidepressant and some vitamins for you and I suggest that you start eating.” He tells me and with that I leave his office. When I walk back to the common room I’m a little amazed that there is another person where I have been sitting.
Driven by having to choose between my best friend and my teacher, who to love? Forced by Jesse and even silently by Ito. Forced by myself as well, tired of making them disappointed, tired of disappointing myself with my reluctance to choose. It’s more then that though a big part of me is tired of this, and I know that probably seems like I mean I am tired of life especially after my very recent actions but it’s not, I’m tired of keeping the secret. I want to tell, to tell my mom, tell the rest of my friends. To not be ashamed of what people might say to the point of just keeping quiet, not being seen.
To be told that it’s ok to be how I am. To be able to introduce Jesse(not Ito) to my mom as my boyfriend. I can’t ever tell about Ito because to do so would be trouble for both of us. That thought alone is enough to make me think hard about what I am doing with him. I settle under the lax body of my mother, who is asleep dead to the world more then I am, and wonder how it ended up at this.
I know that I really should have ended it with Ito the moment I found out that he was my teacher. I shouldn’t have let it get to the point that there are feelings because now I’m much too deep underwater the thought of air is just that, a thought. It’s such a faint memory that I don’t even know enough to miss it.
I shouldn’t have slept with Jesse at all though; I knew how he would feel about me being with some one else. Besides that I know a big part of me believes that we shouldn’t be more then friends. There’s too big of a chance of me losing him that way. That’s probably why for the longest time I didn’t dare make any serious attempts to be with him. The picture of him is just so perfect that to touch it may make it shatter. With a picture that perfect I don’t think I belong in it.
I stop thinking quick as I notice Mom’s breathing change. Still lying on the small cot I try not to move watching as she slowly blinks her eyes and clutches my right hand tightly. My eyes close slightly as I seriously think about pretending to be asleep rather then having to explain to my mom why I tried to kill myself. Then I stop it. I’m done pretending, I’m done being invisible. I open my eyes and see my mother look at me and break into tears as she hugs me to her. With out a word I cry as well for every thing I’ve lost.
“Oh Kevin, sweetie, I was so worried…” She goes on to say something to the affect of her thinking I would never wake up, but I don’t really understand it with how much she is crying. The steady beating of my heart monitor stops being so steady. It goes completely out of wack beating very quick and loudly. I feel out of breath everything gets bleary and I pass out again.
I wake up slower this time gradually coming into awareness and feeling out of it still. My vision is bleary as I open my eyes and hear the slow beat of the heart monitor; it’s slowed down by now but more then when it was steady before. I then notice that a nurse is holding a smelling stick to my nose. “Kevin? Kevin are you with us?” She asks me looking right into my eyes. I see my mom standing behind the nurse at least I guess it is my mom, my vision isn’t completely clear. I nod rather then speak but that apparently isn’t enough for the woman. “Kevin can you tell me how old you are?” I almost want to glare at the lady but I just answer instead.
“Seventeen. You don’t need to ask me questions I know what’s going on.” I say and she just nods and writes something on her clipboard.
“Okay, the doctor will be in to see you very soon and Mrs. Jackson I need you to step out of the room with me.” She says then leaves the room taking my mom with her. I sigh softly and prop myself up on the bed pressing the button to make the bed move so I can sit. I notice that now there is a thin blanket covering my body and when I pull it off of me I see that the bandage on my leg has been replaced. I pull the blanket back up so that I don’t have to see the bandage and be reminded. Before my mom comes back another lady comes in; from the white lab coat she is wearing I’m guessing it’s the doctor.
“Hello there I’m Dr. Miller, nice to meet you Kevin.” She says politely and she holds out her hand for me to shake. I smile half-heartedly and shake her hand.
“Nice to meet you too.” I say very softly.
“Those are some pretty nasty cuts you’ve got there, Kevin, you want to tell me how you got them?” She asks seeming actually interested but I don’t believe it for a second. I know that my mom must have busted the door in and I know that I still had the box cutter on me when I passed out.
“I did it.” I say looking down as I answer her.
“Yeah, you take all those pills too?” She asks softly and I nod. “Want to tell me what happened?” She asks nicely but I just keep my lips shut this time. “You know as a doctor I’m sworn to secrecy, I’m not allowed to tell anyone what you say unless you tell me I can.” She tells me; still my lips stay shut. “Come on what do you have to lose?” She asks and this time I bother to open my mouth.
“I tried to kill myself.” I say letting my words fully settle even in my own head. The heavy meaning of them hits me for real.
“Yeah, why would you want to do that? Not happy at home?” She asks and I shake my head, I don’t think my mom is at fault for any of this. “Girl problems?” She tries again and that just makes me laugh.
“Some thing like that.” I admit. “Not girls exactly.” I tell her some how or another finding it easy to confide in this stranger.
“No? Then how is it similar?” She asks and at that I sigh.
“Boy problems actually. I’m gay.” I mange to say but I can’t look at her eyes not wanting to see the look of disgust there.
“Yeah? So what’s the problem then? Did your boyfriend leave you?” She asks and at that I actually bother to look up at her. I see that she still has the same look on her face it hasn’t changed with the admittance of my sexuality.
“No. The problem is I’m kind of dating two different guys. They both know about each other and one of them told me that I have to choose, but I can’t.” I say honestly and she just nods smiling at me softly.
“Well Kevin it’s actually been a few days since you were brought in but now that your vitals have evened out you’re going to be leaving here. It’s custom when someone tries to kill themself that we have to assess their mental health and if they are still a danger to themself then they have to be taken to a mental hospital ok. So I can’t make the assessment so you’re going to have to talk to the police officer when they get here.” She tells me and I can’t really say the news of it surprises me that much. I nod to her and she smiles at me. “In the mean time is there any thing you need?” She asks and that draws my attention to how empty my stomach is.
“I’m kind of hungry.” I say and she nods.
“That’s to be expected, you haven’t had anything to eat since you came here. You can’t have any solid food right now because your stomach had to be pumped ok?” She tells me and I nod letting it click in why the O.D. didn’t kill me. Then she leaves and I am alone again. I think slightly knowing more then likely I will be sent to a mental hospital but the most amazing thought is that I know I need it. Mostly I know that my mind is seriously fucked up.
A bit of time passes, and my mother doesn’t come back in. I assume it has something to do with her being able to influence what I say, to both the doctor and the cop to come. A nurse brings me a plate of colorless and shapeless something but the smell vaguely reminds me of food. I eat a little of it filling the plastic spoon they gave me to the brim with the colorless stuff then sliding it into my mouth. It tastes bland and I don’t bother much with chewing swallowing almost automatically. After a few bites I’m amazed that I feel full my stomach rebels against the thought of more food so I stop eating it.
I set the plate on the table next to my cot and start to lower the bed back in to a lying position. Before I get that far though the door opens again; this time a good-looking man in a blue uniform enters. I hit another button moving the bed back up to get a better look at him; all the while thinking how messed up it is that I think the man here to assess my mental health is hot. I mean beyond hot this guy is totally fuckable.
He looks right at me and smiles making him look even sexier. I grin back at him easily. “Hello there, how are you today?” He asks me and I grin.
“Alright.” I answer starting to forget why exactly that I am talking to this hot man while lying in a hospital bed.
“Alright huh? If you’re alright then what are you doing here?” He asks and I laugh a little.
“Yeah I guess so.” I agree and he smiles.
“So what are you doing here then?”
“I tried to kill myself.” I say my eyes looking down now that I remember why it is I’m talking to this man.
“Yeah. So you think that if I let you go home you’ll try again?” He asks being straightforward about it and I shrug. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asks lightly and I don’t think I should lie to him.
“I might, I don’t know.” I tell him and I really feel like that’s the best answer I can give.
“Well then I think I’m going to have to say you can’t go home. I’m going to have to have an ambulance take you to the mental hospital ok. It won’t take too long.” He tells me and then I watch as he slips out of the door as well. I sigh and lower the bed again wanting to just get a little more sleep. Of course that doesn’t happen; instead my mother walks back in. She sits in the chair next to me.
“Hey sweetie, they told me where you’re going and it’ll be too late for me to visit you today so I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m gonna bring you some clothes and anything else you want k.” She tells me and I can see that she is crying and has been for a while. She leans over and hugs me being more careful this time not putting any of her weight on me. “I’m going to miss you hun, just focus on getting better ok.” She tells me and before she can pull away I grab her wrist.
“Mom, I need to tell you something ok?” I ask her but I know it’s not really much of a question. She looks at me and nods her head crying just a few more tears from her already wet eyes. I hesitate, I feel myself heating up, I even feel a tear drop from my eye. “I’m gay.” I tell her feeling faint as I start to hyperventilate. I can’t help it that I squeeze my eyes closed waiting for her answer. Before I even dare to open my eyes I hear the door slam shut. I open my eyes again and this time I really cry. “Goodbye Mom.” I say so softly I hardly even hear myself. I cry myself to sleep before anyone else shows up.
Not too terribly surprising that what I wake up to is another nurse telling me that it is time to leave. A simple question about my mom and they inform me that she already left. I’m so cried out that that answer can’t even get a tear from me. So emotionless I don’t move a muscle to help or hinder the people loading me on the stretcher, strapping me in, and rolling me off to the ambulance. The dark night tells how dark and depressing the world is as of the moment, it also attests to the fact that it has been at least twenty-four hours since O.D. The lack of siren would probably disappoint me if I were in an ambulance for any other reason, but at this point I’m already disappointed enough.
With how late it is when I arrive they let me go straight to bed rather then meeting with a psyc, which they inform me is normal protocol. The stark white room looks more like a cell then anything else I have ever seen, still with a little help I manage to make it to the plastic covered bed and fall asleep on its hospital white sheets. The last thought on my mind is that with me missing school tomorrow both Ito and Jesse will wonder what’s up.
Waking up early, still less then fully rested, I look around my cell some more. I dress in very loose paper pants and a paper shirt that I’m assuming was left for me last night; or else, already here. The room screams two things at me sterile and temporary. No possessions and not much room for them anyway except a cubby or two built into the wall. It would ruin all of the white if there were possessions anyway. I leave my room and am redirected to a common room with a few tables, a couch, and a T.V. On the tables are little boxes of pencils the small wooden kind probably so that no one can hurt themselves with them.
Still I just ignore all of that and the few people that decorate the room choosing a small corner chair to sit in far away from it all. It takes around half an hour for some one to approach me; even though, a breakfast cart showed up and I didn’t make a move towards it going hungry instead. The person who does come towards me says they are a nurse and that I have to talk to the psychiatrist for them to assess me. I almost want to laugh at that; wasn’t that the cop’s job?
Still I stand and walk with her to another sterile white room, except this one features a large couch and a chair facing it. In the chair sits a man that honestly doesn’t look much older then Ito, he looks a lot less appealing though. “Good morning Mr. Jackson.”
“Morning.” I reply blatantly not bothering with the ‘good’ part. The nurse leaves us alone and I kind of throw myself on the couch when he motions for me to sit.
“So Mr. Jackson ”
“Kevin.” I correct him.
“Kevin then.” He agrees. “So why are you here, Kevin?”
“I thought that was your job to tell me.” I throw back and the man just takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. Yet the man doesn’t say a thing. “Fine, I tried to kill myself. Better?” I ask half sarcastically and the funny thing is he actually smiles a little.
“A little. So why then, Kevin, did you try to kill yourself?” He asks and unlike the doctor he makes no half-wit guesses. So I answer honestly.
“One of my boyfriends told me that he was tired of me messing around on him so he told me that I have to choose.”
“One? How many do you have?” He asks not even batting an eye at me saying boyfriend.
“Just two though technically speaking I’m not so much dating them as I am just seeing them.” I say for some reason feeling the need to explain it.
“So I’m to assume that by boyfriend you do mean that in a nonconventional way.” He says cryptically and instead of trading bullshit I answer bluntly.
“I’ve had sex with both of them if that’s what you mean.” I say figuring that slept with is too easy of a term for him to mess up. It amazes me that that actually makes his cheeks turn a little red.
“Yes, not that I would put it that way, but that’s what I meant. So explain to me then, Kevin, why is it that you are seeing both of these boys?”
“Well I met one of them at a club and we ended up sleeping together so after that we just kind of hit it off. The thing with the other boy is I’ve known him most of my life and liked him for the majority of the time that I’ve known I’m gay. I’d hit on him a few times but he didn’t seem interested, then one day I hit on him and he didn’t shy away. So we started messing around as well.
“The one I met at the club, I’ll call him Ian, is real nice but he is a bit older then me and he has the cutest little boy.”
“His son?” He asks interrupting me, I nod though and just continue with the story.
“The one I’ve known forever, let’s say Jake, is great but he’s so attached and I felt like I don’t want to get too connected to either of them because all of us will end up hurt. But then I was staying the night at Ian’s house and seeing him be so great with his son made me cry and I told him how I’ve never even met my dad. The day after that though, was Jake’s birthday and we got a little drunk and after sex he told me that he loved me and I said it back.
“In the morning when I told him that I didn’t really love him, he went off on saying that I was saying that because of Ian. So he told me that I had to choose between him and Ian. I couldn’t decide though, so I made another choice.” I tell him letting him come to conclusions himself about what my decision was, I’m sure the hospital filled him in.
“So how exactly did you try to kill yourself?”
“I swallowed a bunch of pills and drained a bottle of Nyquil, cut my wrist and my thigh, then lied down in the bathtub and turned the water on.” I say to him and for a time we stay quiet.
“You have anything else you want to say?” He asks and I shrug. “Well then I think you should go ahead and get back to the common area. We can talk again tomorrow.”
“So I’m stuck here?”
“At this hospital?” He asks.
“Yes.”
“Yes for two weeks at least.” I shrug and walk back out of the room and back to my small corner of the common room. Still no one bothers me and I keep from eating lunch as well. Everything starts to blend together for me; the activity around me doesn’t affect me at all. I am part of the wall, a literal wallflower. It takes until another nurse approaches me for me to even move a muscle.
“You’re allowed to use the phone now if you want to.” She tells me and I nod thinking how my mother never did bring me a change of clothes. Once we get to no longer pay payphone she leaves me alone at the phone and it takes me a few moments to think of whom I should call. I end up calling my mom and I am amazed that she actually answers the phone.
“Mom?” I ask, but unsurprisingly as soon as she hears my voice she hangs up. So I dial Jesse’s number instead.
“Hello?” He asks and a big part of me wonders what he will say to me being in a mental hospital.
“Jess?”
“Kevin? Hey where are you? I went over to your house after you missed school Monday and your mom pretty much slammed the door in my face. What’s going on?” He asks and I know that I have to just say it.
“I tried to kill myself after I left your house Sunday. I’m in a mental hospital. My mom isn’t talking to me because I told her I’m gay.” I tell him wondering how exactly he will respond to that, and how I expect him to respond to that.
“Wow!” He exclaims. “So?” He asks.
“So I won’t be at school for a while, there’s a two week hold. I was wondering if you could bring me some clothes here and visit me. My mom was going to bring me clothes until I told her so I’m stuck wearing hospital clothes. Just tell them you’re my brother when you show up. Only family is allowed to see me.”
“K then when should I show up tomorrow?” He asks not even bothering to say much of anything.
“Just come over after school, the address is 320 Madison Dr. K.”
“K, um I’ll see you then. Right now I’ve got homework I have to do ok.” He tells me and a bit more confused I answer.
“K.” As soon as I say that word he hangs up. “Bye.” I say to myself. I hang up the phone thinking slightly to myself how quick I was to call Jesse rather then Ito though mainly I think it’s because I know Jesse has clothes my size and I’m used to asking him to let me borrow clothes. I’ve just known Jesse longer and I don’t want to impose on Ito. Also I know Jesse and he understands me; I don’t know what Ito would say if I told him I’m in a mental hospital for trying to kill myself.
Before I even have a chance to call Ito, or make up my mind on whether or not I should, the nurse comes back and tells me my time is up. So I just nod and follow her back to the common area where I just sit quietly again. This time when a food cart comes in again for dinner the lady pushing it actually walks right up to me. “Don’t think that just because you sit over in this corner means I didn’t notice you not eating breakfast and lunch honey. Now common have some dinner.” She tells me her brown skinned hand moving to pass me a tray. I stop it holding the flat of my palm against the side of the tray.
“No thanks, I’m not hungry.” I tell her softly not even noticing the lack of emotion in my voice.
“Look I read your file, child, I know you just got your stomach pumped four days ago and you ain’t eaten since then. You gotta be starvin’.” She tells me her hand pushing the tray towards me again. “Come on you gotta eat little un.” I take the tray just so she’ll leave me alone rather then planning on eating it. I try to smile at her but I don’t think it ends up right.
“K. Thanks.” I tell her and it gets her to get up and walk away from me slightly. When she looks back at me I take a spoonful of what looks like mashed potatoes and put it in my mouth. She turns around and I spit it back onto the tray, its taste makes me want to gag because I haven’t tasted any thing in so long. I throw away my food not touching it again.
I stay sitting in the corner until they tell me it’s time to go to sleep, but then I just lay in the white cot tossing and turning the bandages on my thigh and my wrist making my skin itch. With the state of the bandage and the fact that the doctor didn’t take it off I don’t even make an attempt to remove it despite the itching.
So it’s exhaustion and lack of food that finally knocks me out. Yet my dreams continue to haunt me along with every thing else. Strangely enough I dream about Ito but the dream doesn’t make any sense at all. It seems almost like I’m living there and Ito is treating me just like Mikhail. It confuses me, completely throwing me for a loop, and grossing me out a bit as well.
As I get out of the white bed and put the same hospital clothes back on, I think how much I really want Jesse to show up with clothes for me. Slowly though I just walk to the common area and sit in the corner again. This time a nurse approaches me telling me I get to go to counseling again right as the breakfast cart shows up so I don’t have to make up an excuse to not take any.
This time as I show up in the counselor’s office though he has a much different look on his face. He motions for me to sit and this time I just do it not throwing myself on the couch like before. “So they tell me that you didn’t eat any of your meals yesterday. Why is that?” He asks me to begin with and I should have guessed that I would get questioned about it.
“I wasn’t hungry.” I say simply stating it as if it were obvious. He doesn’t say anything, “I don’t eat if I’m not hungry.” I tell him as if I believe he is stupid and part of me does believe it.
“You haven’t eaten anything for the past four days and before that you had your stomach pumped. How could you not be hungry?”
“I just wasn’t.” My voice sounds a bit pissed now and I can’t help it. The man takes his glasses off again rubbing the bridge of his nose in the same almost aggravated way as before. “What’s your name?” I ask randomly and this makes him look at me. Still he doesn’t reply. “What should I call you?” I ask and he puts his glasses back on and fully looks at me.
“Dr. Ferrell.” He responds.
“Can’t I just call you by your first name?” I ask him and he looks me over as if thinking about it.
“Cody.” He says quickly as if he needs to before he changes his mind. I just nod to him not actually saying it back yet, afraid that he will say I can’t call him by his first name. “Kevin what are you thinking right now?” He asks me and with the question putting me on the spot I don’t bother with making a lie I just say what I think.
“I think that this is all bull shit. I think I shouldn’t have choose between Jesse and Ito. I shouldn’t have a mother that won’t even come to see me when I’m in a fucking mental hospital just because I told her that I am gay. I shouldn’t… I just… I shouldn’t.” I say all but yelling it and completely in tears long before the end. This time when he looks at me I can’t take it and I hunch over staring at the ground instead.
“This is good.” He says and I notice all too late that I used Jesse and Ito’s real names; still ‘Cody’ doesn’t say anything about it. I sit there still sulking. “Kevin, what does your father think of this?” That simple question angers me more.
“He doesn’t, he ran away when my mom told him she was pregnant.” I tell him knowing there is a sneer on my face even if I still don’t bother to look up. All I hear in response is his pencil writing on his clipboard. So I slowly look up at him, my hair hiding my eyes and for once I don’t regret leaving it long.
“Do you wish your father hadn’t left?” He asks me and I know I have thought about that question more then a few times. I nod instead of answering out loud. “Well Kevin that’s all the time we have now. I’m going to prescribe an antidepressant and some vitamins for you and I suggest that you start eating.” He tells me and with that I leave his office. When I walk back to the common room I’m a little amazed that there is another person where I have been sitting.