Chapter 3
The next fortnight passes without too much change. Mikhail follows me around all the time, but he doesn’t try to kiss me again. He tends to walk a bit closer to me, sometimes wrapping his arm around my waist. Yet he hasn’t tried anything since we kissed at the lake. A part of me wonders if this is a good thing or a bad one. It makes me unsure of the relationship knowing that Mikhail wants more from me yet he does not push the matter, seeming to wait instead for me to make a move towards him on the matter. Though I’m not sure that I will at all.
Although it has not came up again I believe that Mikhail still harbors thoughts that Charles likes me. The thing is that over the past fortnight I’ve came to the conclusion that there might be something to his claim. Charles has been acting rather strange towards me since my betrothal began. He has been careful not to look anywhere near me when I am undressed and seems to find somewhere else to be when Mikhail is around me. I have yet to say anything to him about him, as he does not bring up the matter either.
Father has been careful around me lately as well. He seems to be happy that I have not scared off Mikhail, yet it is as he does not know what to say to me. I imagine he might actually feel a bit bad for making me marry against my will, but then this is my father we are talking about. He is hanging out with Mikhail quite a bit himself though. In fact there doesn’t seem to be much of anyone in the entire castle who does not get along with my betrothed.
The thing I find the strangest though is that Mikhail makes a point to be around for the council meetings and all of the castle politics. While he does not say a word at these meetings he still is always there just sitting at my side. Like today for instance, I am to go to one of the neighboring cities to check up on a family whose house burned down and Mikhail has insisted on coming with me for some reason. So now that I will truly be alone with him outside of the castle and it’s surrounding town I wonder if Mikhail will once again bring up our relationship and how he wants me to act more caring towards him.
The thing is while I have a tentative friendship with the man I still don’t know how I feel about him in a more loving or even sexual way. I mean strangely I did like kissing him, quite a bit actually, but I don’t really find myself just looking over him and wanting to kiss him or do more with him. I can admit that I like the way that Mikhail looks but I don’t really feel comfortable with kissing him or anything else for that matter.
My thoughts stop as Mikhail rides his mare over to me. “I thought I’d find you here.” He tells me as he dismounts and I look over him watching his muscles ripple as he moves. Then I catch myself staring and I have to wonder if maybe I do like Mikhail more than I think. He walks over to me softly without saying another word.
“We will be gone for a couple of days, are you sure you wish to go?” I ask him softly even as I make my eyes focus on his. He smiles very slightly at me.
“It’ll give me a chance to see a bit more of your kingdom. Besides I am going to ruling this kingdom too is it not important to let the people get to know me?” He says to me and it makes me look at him more sharply.
“Is that why you have been so adamant to be a part of the castle’s politics?” I ask him with an amused smile. He grins back at me a bit wider.
“No. Although that does help me get to know our subjects, no that’s not why. I want to help people; I care about their problems.” He tells me but then he seems to back away. I don’t comment on it though. Instead I just stand up from where I sit by the lake trailing my fingers through the water.
“Well then we should be leaving shouldn’t we.” I say to him softly and he just nods. So I lead him back to our horses and we quietly go back to the castle to get our things for the next few days. We don’t speak again until we are out of the city’s grounds all together.
“So what exactly happened with this family any way?” He asks me softly. I sigh lightly bring my horse in a bit closer.
“A share farm estate burned down, the crops survived but the buildings did not. The farm has always been very punctual in paying the annual tithe so we are helping them rebuild the farm. I am going in person to make sure that everything works out and to make sure in the mean time that the farm has enough to get by. The one building that survived the fire is the communal hall so all of the workers and owners are all staying there for right now. It’s a rather stressful situation.” I conclude knowing that it is not often that we as royalty reach out so individually as this.
Mikhail starts to nod slowly seeming to take in what I just said. “So these people lost everything.” He says slowly and I don’t bother to reply. We stay quiet for a while yet as our horses trod on. In fact it isn’t until we come across a mountain cross that I speak again.
“We need to careful in this pass.” I say softly before we get to the pass. He looks at me questioningly and I return the look tersely. “It’s not very stable of a path, but it’s the only way through near here. There are often ruffians trying to waylay travelers here, but the area is also known for rock falls.” I explain to him and it seems to make him grin for some reason, as if he is amused.
“I’ll sure two strong young men such as ourselves will be fine. Besides if it is so bad then why not simply put a guard house near?” He replies still with the bemused smile on his lips, and with that he leads his horse into a canter pushing it ahead of mine. I rush to make my horse follow his and as I round the corner he grins over his shoulder at me. “Don’t be such a fraidy-cat Gael.” He calls at me nearly yelling and I speed my horse up to catch up to him. It doesn’t take long because he skids to a stop shortly after he starts as we both see others on the trail headed toward us.
One of the ruffians headed toward us draws a bow and points it at Mikhail. “Do not move any further. We demand a toll for crossing, pay it and we assure that you will not be harmed.” Another demands that seems to be the leader of the outfit.
“They can not demand this of you, it is your land.” Mikhail steams though he does not yet move to grab his weapon from its sheath on his saddle.
“Be quiet.” I tell him quickly before addressing the men before us. “What toll?” I demand loudly despite how Mikhail seems to turn and stare in disbelief. I notice the man looking over us and assessing our wealth before he speaks again.
“A gold florin.” He tells me and I frown slightly.
“That sounds a bit steep, a silver maybe.”
“Four silver.”
“Two.”
“Three then, pleasure doing business with you. Drop the money and move along.” He tells me with a smile as he thinks he got the better deal. All the same I take the three coins out and drop them on the ground before pushing my horse ahead. Mikhail follows me still staring at me strongly but he doesn’t speak as we pass the group. As soon as we are in the clear I push my horse into a canter glad that Mikhail follows quickly on my heels. It’s only when we slow down again that Mikhail pushes his horse right beside mine and grabs my reins to stop us.
“What was that about? You shouldn’t be paying bandits to cross your own land.” Mikhail all but yells at me as he still does not let go of my horse’s reins.
“Let go now.” I tell him sending an icy look of my own until Mikhail lets go but he keeps his mare slightly in front of my horse so I still can not move. “It’s not as simple as all of that. We are two mean and they were five; if we insisted that we pass on my land they would have attacked us. I do not wish for either of us to have been injured over something so trivial.” I tell him hearing my voice sound harsh due to Mikhail’s reaction rather than the actual event.
“Gael, are you saying that you did not stop them because you believed I would get hurt? Or were you not going to do anything regardless?” He asks me seeming to be serious now but I am not completely sure which answer he wants to hear from me. I sigh lightly thinking for a moment.
“I would not have given them reason to attack me unless I had my guards. Since this is just a small personal matter we are not trying to make a large appearance.” I tell him slowly, yet before Mikhail has a chance to speak I talk again not wanting him to get the wrong idea. “Of course I didn’t mean for you to be injured either.” His eyes meet mine now and I see him shake his head slowly in disbelief.
“Let’s move on.” He tells me coldly before he pushes his horse forward on the trail. I follow him knowing he is unhappy with my answer thought I’m unsure which part vexed him. We do not talk as we travel toward the village and it quickly gets closer to nightfall. “How much further are we? Should we stop to make camp or continue on?” He asks me slowly his mare into a walk beside mine.
“We need to stop. We will arrive there tomorrow.” I tell him and he nods to me. Still he pushes his horse a bit further to a small grove of trees before stopping and dismounting. I dismount as well and unsaddle my horse before rubbing him down and tying the rein loosely to a tree. By the time I turn toward Mikhail he has prepped his horse for the night as well. “I’ll go gather some firewood if you will build our shelter for the night.” I tell him softly but rather than replying Mikhail just nods. I leave him with the horses as I gather dry wood for the fire. I try to think how Mikhail could be offended by my saying that I would not see him hurt so he must not have liked that I would have my guards to deal with the ruffians.
When I return to where we have made camp I see Mikhail again I want to make peace with him but I’m unsure how. “Mikhail.” I say his name softly as I approach the shelter he has set up. He turns to look at me but he still seems a bit annoyed, still he waits for me to continue speaking rather than speaking. “I am sorry if I did something to anger you. I did not mean to make it seem as if I agreed with those men or as if I was afraid to fight. I just do not see the point of fighting an unnecessary battle.” I tell him softly as I start to set up wood for a small fire.
“Do you honestly think that’s why I’m vexed?” He asks me and I turn to look at him confused.
“The only other thing I said before was that I did not wish for you to get injured.” I say still thinking that that could not possibly be the thing that offended him.
“Precisely, you think that I can not fight well enough to have held my own? You believed that I would be injured from fighting untrained men such as that?” He says and suddenly I understand how he is offended and find myself turning to look him in the eye.
“Mikhail I did not mean it that way. I never thought that you could not defend yourself; I just… would have been mad with myself if you had gotten injured because of something as dumb as some ruffians tried to bribe me to pass my own land.” I say slowly admitting that I really was a little afraid that Mikhail would be hurt. Surprisingly Mikhail smiles at me a bit before he speaks again.
“So you were worried about me getting hurt not because of thinking that I could not handle myself but rather just because you would not like to see me hurt?” He asks and I know he is just humoring me know because he believes that I think he isn’t as strong as me or at least not enough to protect himself in a rather unfair fight.
“I understand that we haven’t really spoken of our engagement since we kissed before, and while I told the truth that I am not attracted to you physically, I still think you are a good person. I have been paying attention to you during the last fortnight or so and you seem to be a fairly decent person. I appreciate this chance to get to know you and I would be saddened if you were to be injured.” I tell him noticing how he gradually pays more attention to me as I speak.
“Gael, if that is what you think of as paying attention then you are mistaken. You do not even look at me let alone get near enough to touch me. It has been a entire fortnight since we kissed and you have not tried to kiss me again or given me reason to believe that you want to.” He tells me and I have to admit that I have been hesitant to try kissing him again after how much it affected me before.
“That doesn’t mean anything. I wish to get to know you with out complicating it all by getting into a physical relationship. This isn’t exactly a normal situation. Once we married there’s no going back. If we try to have a true relationship and then find out that we are not interested in each other in that way then we will still have to be together. We will spend all our time around each other thinking about how vexed we are with the other because of trying to be involved in that way.” I tell him literally conceiving the idea as I speak it. He does not speak for quite a few moments and I think at first that I might have won this argument.
“That is a good point, however as you said this is not a normal situation. We are engaged to be wed not just planning on ruling a country together. Part of being wed is that we have to be physically intimate. Whether you want to admit it or not we will not be properly wed until we have consummated our marriage by having sex together. It is going to be awkward if we pursue this as a political arrangement and yet we have lain together. Either you will always think of it as something that you had to do, or you will continue to wonder if it would be okay to do it again, which would eventually lead into a physical relationship. So would not it be better for us to give it a chance before we are wed?” He tells me and I have to admit that his words make sense as well.
“Well perhaps you shouldn’t have even agreed to this if it is going to be such a hardship. In fact I do not even know why you did agree to this. If you thought your father to be joking by the offer then why are you still here?” I ask him my voice a bit harsher due to how defensive I’m getting over all of this.
“Gael, I never said I did not want to be here. I like you. I do find you attractive and you are a wonderful person and I’m sure that you will make a good king. I am still here because I believe that we have a chance to be happy together if you will just try. I guess that was too much to ask for though.” His voice gets softer as he talks so that the last sentence is almost more to him than to me. Still I do not wish to admit to him that I am afraid to pursue a relationship with him because I do not know how I will react, yet at the same time I do not want him to leave and it almost seems like I might have pushed him to that.
“Are you going to leave then?” I say softly no longer mad just curious as to what he is thinking. He looks at me for a moment and then moves closer so that he is right in front of me.
“Do you honestly want me to leave?” He asks me slowly and for a moment I stay quiet not sure what to say.
“I do not know. You confuse me.” I tell him honestly and yet I am even unsure of what I mean. He stays quiet waiting for me to go on yet I am unsure what to say. “I do not think that I want to have a physical relationship with you yet I do not wish for you to leave.” I tell him and he just nods slowly still without speaking. I go back to tending to the firewood and then light it to make a small fire. He stays next to me warming himself by the fire for a while before either of us speaks again.
“I think I saw some rabbits earlier when I was gathering wood maybe I could try catching some for dinner.” I tell him and he nods to me. I use the excuse to walk away and have some time to myself to think over my predicament. All the same I really do look for wildlife and end up catching a plump rabbit for us to have for dinner. When I go back to the camp I see that Mikhail has already started cooking something. “What are you making?” I ask softly and he looks up from what he’s doing to see me.
“A stew for the meat.” He says simply and I nod before skinning my kill and leaving the meat for him to cook with. By the time that he finishes it actually doesn’t turn out too bad and I have to say that I probably would not have done as well on my own.
“This is really good.” I tell him as I eat and Mikhail smiles at me again. “Thank you for cooking, Mikhail.” I tell him when he looks at me.
“It was no problem.” He tells me and it seem like maybe we aren’t better off just yet but we might be headed that direction. He does not bring up the subject of our impending wedding again and neither do I. When it gets late we put out the fire and get into our separate bedrolls to go to sleep. Instead of sleep though I find myself thinking.
I keep thinking about what Mikhail said and whether or not it would be best for us to try this or not. I know that I am just being afraid and naive in thinking that we can remain completely unphysical. It is as he said that we will have to have intercourse and I think if we were to just do it because we have to that after a while I probably would want to do it again. Not to mention that I don’t really want us to be wed and yet looking to lie with other people and by saying that I do not wish to have a physical relationship with Mikhail that’s exactly what I’ll be pushing him towards. I really am confused and I am unsure where to turn.
On one hand I could decide to try a relationship with Mikhail. I am unsure whether I will be able to go through with anything physical with him though. I am a bit embarrassed about being physically intimate with him. I know that we will have to but I do not know how I am going to react to it. I have not been with any one in that way and while I have an understanding about what is to happen I can’t see how he could enjoy it. I guess that might be a large part of my unhappiness with the situation because to me it seems that it would just hurt him and I can’t think that I would enjoy that.
On the other hand though Mikhail already has lain with another man and he liked it. Perhaps he would like it with me as well but maybe he would not. Maybe it would be a bad idea for us to be intimate because he could decide he would prefer not to do it. Then maybe I would like it and want to do it again and we will end up fighting about it. So perhaps it’s better that we don’t pursue a relationship so that we don’t have feelings about it. If we can approach the situation and just do it once then it might be okay.
I really just do not know what I want any more. All the same though if I do not decide then Mikhail may choose to leave and whether I want to be intimate with him or not I do not want him to leave.
In the morning Mikhail still does not bring up our engagement or us being physically intimate. In fact I make it though almost the whole day without his mentioning it. We spend the day in the small farm development helping to buy supplies and fix some of the buildings. Then the night finds us in the most developed of those buildings by ourselves. Mikhail turns to me when we are about to lie down to bed.
“I want to make you an offer. I’m going to suggest that there is a tournament when we return to court. I will say something about wanting to have it in honor of our wedding or something. The point is that I will compete against you and I have a wager for you. If you win then I will leave the kingdom and refuse our engagement. How ever if some how I win then I want you to try having a true relation with me including physical contact.” He tells me and I moment I find myself speechless completely unable to answer him.
“If you want.” I tell him feeling my heart beat loudly in my chest as I speak.
Although it has not came up again I believe that Mikhail still harbors thoughts that Charles likes me. The thing is that over the past fortnight I’ve came to the conclusion that there might be something to his claim. Charles has been acting rather strange towards me since my betrothal began. He has been careful not to look anywhere near me when I am undressed and seems to find somewhere else to be when Mikhail is around me. I have yet to say anything to him about him, as he does not bring up the matter either.
Father has been careful around me lately as well. He seems to be happy that I have not scared off Mikhail, yet it is as he does not know what to say to me. I imagine he might actually feel a bit bad for making me marry against my will, but then this is my father we are talking about. He is hanging out with Mikhail quite a bit himself though. In fact there doesn’t seem to be much of anyone in the entire castle who does not get along with my betrothed.
The thing I find the strangest though is that Mikhail makes a point to be around for the council meetings and all of the castle politics. While he does not say a word at these meetings he still is always there just sitting at my side. Like today for instance, I am to go to one of the neighboring cities to check up on a family whose house burned down and Mikhail has insisted on coming with me for some reason. So now that I will truly be alone with him outside of the castle and it’s surrounding town I wonder if Mikhail will once again bring up our relationship and how he wants me to act more caring towards him.
The thing is while I have a tentative friendship with the man I still don’t know how I feel about him in a more loving or even sexual way. I mean strangely I did like kissing him, quite a bit actually, but I don’t really find myself just looking over him and wanting to kiss him or do more with him. I can admit that I like the way that Mikhail looks but I don’t really feel comfortable with kissing him or anything else for that matter.
My thoughts stop as Mikhail rides his mare over to me. “I thought I’d find you here.” He tells me as he dismounts and I look over him watching his muscles ripple as he moves. Then I catch myself staring and I have to wonder if maybe I do like Mikhail more than I think. He walks over to me softly without saying another word.
“We will be gone for a couple of days, are you sure you wish to go?” I ask him softly even as I make my eyes focus on his. He smiles very slightly at me.
“It’ll give me a chance to see a bit more of your kingdom. Besides I am going to ruling this kingdom too is it not important to let the people get to know me?” He says to me and it makes me look at him more sharply.
“Is that why you have been so adamant to be a part of the castle’s politics?” I ask him with an amused smile. He grins back at me a bit wider.
“No. Although that does help me get to know our subjects, no that’s not why. I want to help people; I care about their problems.” He tells me but then he seems to back away. I don’t comment on it though. Instead I just stand up from where I sit by the lake trailing my fingers through the water.
“Well then we should be leaving shouldn’t we.” I say to him softly and he just nods. So I lead him back to our horses and we quietly go back to the castle to get our things for the next few days. We don’t speak again until we are out of the city’s grounds all together.
“So what exactly happened with this family any way?” He asks me softly. I sigh lightly bring my horse in a bit closer.
“A share farm estate burned down, the crops survived but the buildings did not. The farm has always been very punctual in paying the annual tithe so we are helping them rebuild the farm. I am going in person to make sure that everything works out and to make sure in the mean time that the farm has enough to get by. The one building that survived the fire is the communal hall so all of the workers and owners are all staying there for right now. It’s a rather stressful situation.” I conclude knowing that it is not often that we as royalty reach out so individually as this.
Mikhail starts to nod slowly seeming to take in what I just said. “So these people lost everything.” He says slowly and I don’t bother to reply. We stay quiet for a while yet as our horses trod on. In fact it isn’t until we come across a mountain cross that I speak again.
“We need to careful in this pass.” I say softly before we get to the pass. He looks at me questioningly and I return the look tersely. “It’s not very stable of a path, but it’s the only way through near here. There are often ruffians trying to waylay travelers here, but the area is also known for rock falls.” I explain to him and it seems to make him grin for some reason, as if he is amused.
“I’ll sure two strong young men such as ourselves will be fine. Besides if it is so bad then why not simply put a guard house near?” He replies still with the bemused smile on his lips, and with that he leads his horse into a canter pushing it ahead of mine. I rush to make my horse follow his and as I round the corner he grins over his shoulder at me. “Don’t be such a fraidy-cat Gael.” He calls at me nearly yelling and I speed my horse up to catch up to him. It doesn’t take long because he skids to a stop shortly after he starts as we both see others on the trail headed toward us.
One of the ruffians headed toward us draws a bow and points it at Mikhail. “Do not move any further. We demand a toll for crossing, pay it and we assure that you will not be harmed.” Another demands that seems to be the leader of the outfit.
“They can not demand this of you, it is your land.” Mikhail steams though he does not yet move to grab his weapon from its sheath on his saddle.
“Be quiet.” I tell him quickly before addressing the men before us. “What toll?” I demand loudly despite how Mikhail seems to turn and stare in disbelief. I notice the man looking over us and assessing our wealth before he speaks again.
“A gold florin.” He tells me and I frown slightly.
“That sounds a bit steep, a silver maybe.”
“Four silver.”
“Two.”
“Three then, pleasure doing business with you. Drop the money and move along.” He tells me with a smile as he thinks he got the better deal. All the same I take the three coins out and drop them on the ground before pushing my horse ahead. Mikhail follows me still staring at me strongly but he doesn’t speak as we pass the group. As soon as we are in the clear I push my horse into a canter glad that Mikhail follows quickly on my heels. It’s only when we slow down again that Mikhail pushes his horse right beside mine and grabs my reins to stop us.
“What was that about? You shouldn’t be paying bandits to cross your own land.” Mikhail all but yells at me as he still does not let go of my horse’s reins.
“Let go now.” I tell him sending an icy look of my own until Mikhail lets go but he keeps his mare slightly in front of my horse so I still can not move. “It’s not as simple as all of that. We are two mean and they were five; if we insisted that we pass on my land they would have attacked us. I do not wish for either of us to have been injured over something so trivial.” I tell him hearing my voice sound harsh due to Mikhail’s reaction rather than the actual event.
“Gael, are you saying that you did not stop them because you believed I would get hurt? Or were you not going to do anything regardless?” He asks me seeming to be serious now but I am not completely sure which answer he wants to hear from me. I sigh lightly thinking for a moment.
“I would not have given them reason to attack me unless I had my guards. Since this is just a small personal matter we are not trying to make a large appearance.” I tell him slowly, yet before Mikhail has a chance to speak I talk again not wanting him to get the wrong idea. “Of course I didn’t mean for you to be injured either.” His eyes meet mine now and I see him shake his head slowly in disbelief.
“Let’s move on.” He tells me coldly before he pushes his horse forward on the trail. I follow him knowing he is unhappy with my answer thought I’m unsure which part vexed him. We do not talk as we travel toward the village and it quickly gets closer to nightfall. “How much further are we? Should we stop to make camp or continue on?” He asks me slowly his mare into a walk beside mine.
“We need to stop. We will arrive there tomorrow.” I tell him and he nods to me. Still he pushes his horse a bit further to a small grove of trees before stopping and dismounting. I dismount as well and unsaddle my horse before rubbing him down and tying the rein loosely to a tree. By the time I turn toward Mikhail he has prepped his horse for the night as well. “I’ll go gather some firewood if you will build our shelter for the night.” I tell him softly but rather than replying Mikhail just nods. I leave him with the horses as I gather dry wood for the fire. I try to think how Mikhail could be offended by my saying that I would not see him hurt so he must not have liked that I would have my guards to deal with the ruffians.
When I return to where we have made camp I see Mikhail again I want to make peace with him but I’m unsure how. “Mikhail.” I say his name softly as I approach the shelter he has set up. He turns to look at me but he still seems a bit annoyed, still he waits for me to continue speaking rather than speaking. “I am sorry if I did something to anger you. I did not mean to make it seem as if I agreed with those men or as if I was afraid to fight. I just do not see the point of fighting an unnecessary battle.” I tell him softly as I start to set up wood for a small fire.
“Do you honestly think that’s why I’m vexed?” He asks me and I turn to look at him confused.
“The only other thing I said before was that I did not wish for you to get injured.” I say still thinking that that could not possibly be the thing that offended him.
“Precisely, you think that I can not fight well enough to have held my own? You believed that I would be injured from fighting untrained men such as that?” He says and suddenly I understand how he is offended and find myself turning to look him in the eye.
“Mikhail I did not mean it that way. I never thought that you could not defend yourself; I just… would have been mad with myself if you had gotten injured because of something as dumb as some ruffians tried to bribe me to pass my own land.” I say slowly admitting that I really was a little afraid that Mikhail would be hurt. Surprisingly Mikhail smiles at me a bit before he speaks again.
“So you were worried about me getting hurt not because of thinking that I could not handle myself but rather just because you would not like to see me hurt?” He asks and I know he is just humoring me know because he believes that I think he isn’t as strong as me or at least not enough to protect himself in a rather unfair fight.
“I understand that we haven’t really spoken of our engagement since we kissed before, and while I told the truth that I am not attracted to you physically, I still think you are a good person. I have been paying attention to you during the last fortnight or so and you seem to be a fairly decent person. I appreciate this chance to get to know you and I would be saddened if you were to be injured.” I tell him noticing how he gradually pays more attention to me as I speak.
“Gael, if that is what you think of as paying attention then you are mistaken. You do not even look at me let alone get near enough to touch me. It has been a entire fortnight since we kissed and you have not tried to kiss me again or given me reason to believe that you want to.” He tells me and I have to admit that I have been hesitant to try kissing him again after how much it affected me before.
“That doesn’t mean anything. I wish to get to know you with out complicating it all by getting into a physical relationship. This isn’t exactly a normal situation. Once we married there’s no going back. If we try to have a true relationship and then find out that we are not interested in each other in that way then we will still have to be together. We will spend all our time around each other thinking about how vexed we are with the other because of trying to be involved in that way.” I tell him literally conceiving the idea as I speak it. He does not speak for quite a few moments and I think at first that I might have won this argument.
“That is a good point, however as you said this is not a normal situation. We are engaged to be wed not just planning on ruling a country together. Part of being wed is that we have to be physically intimate. Whether you want to admit it or not we will not be properly wed until we have consummated our marriage by having sex together. It is going to be awkward if we pursue this as a political arrangement and yet we have lain together. Either you will always think of it as something that you had to do, or you will continue to wonder if it would be okay to do it again, which would eventually lead into a physical relationship. So would not it be better for us to give it a chance before we are wed?” He tells me and I have to admit that his words make sense as well.
“Well perhaps you shouldn’t have even agreed to this if it is going to be such a hardship. In fact I do not even know why you did agree to this. If you thought your father to be joking by the offer then why are you still here?” I ask him my voice a bit harsher due to how defensive I’m getting over all of this.
“Gael, I never said I did not want to be here. I like you. I do find you attractive and you are a wonderful person and I’m sure that you will make a good king. I am still here because I believe that we have a chance to be happy together if you will just try. I guess that was too much to ask for though.” His voice gets softer as he talks so that the last sentence is almost more to him than to me. Still I do not wish to admit to him that I am afraid to pursue a relationship with him because I do not know how I will react, yet at the same time I do not want him to leave and it almost seems like I might have pushed him to that.
“Are you going to leave then?” I say softly no longer mad just curious as to what he is thinking. He looks at me for a moment and then moves closer so that he is right in front of me.
“Do you honestly want me to leave?” He asks me slowly and for a moment I stay quiet not sure what to say.
“I do not know. You confuse me.” I tell him honestly and yet I am even unsure of what I mean. He stays quiet waiting for me to go on yet I am unsure what to say. “I do not think that I want to have a physical relationship with you yet I do not wish for you to leave.” I tell him and he just nods slowly still without speaking. I go back to tending to the firewood and then light it to make a small fire. He stays next to me warming himself by the fire for a while before either of us speaks again.
“I think I saw some rabbits earlier when I was gathering wood maybe I could try catching some for dinner.” I tell him and he nods to me. I use the excuse to walk away and have some time to myself to think over my predicament. All the same I really do look for wildlife and end up catching a plump rabbit for us to have for dinner. When I go back to the camp I see that Mikhail has already started cooking something. “What are you making?” I ask softly and he looks up from what he’s doing to see me.
“A stew for the meat.” He says simply and I nod before skinning my kill and leaving the meat for him to cook with. By the time that he finishes it actually doesn’t turn out too bad and I have to say that I probably would not have done as well on my own.
“This is really good.” I tell him as I eat and Mikhail smiles at me again. “Thank you for cooking, Mikhail.” I tell him when he looks at me.
“It was no problem.” He tells me and it seem like maybe we aren’t better off just yet but we might be headed that direction. He does not bring up the subject of our impending wedding again and neither do I. When it gets late we put out the fire and get into our separate bedrolls to go to sleep. Instead of sleep though I find myself thinking.
I keep thinking about what Mikhail said and whether or not it would be best for us to try this or not. I know that I am just being afraid and naive in thinking that we can remain completely unphysical. It is as he said that we will have to have intercourse and I think if we were to just do it because we have to that after a while I probably would want to do it again. Not to mention that I don’t really want us to be wed and yet looking to lie with other people and by saying that I do not wish to have a physical relationship with Mikhail that’s exactly what I’ll be pushing him towards. I really am confused and I am unsure where to turn.
On one hand I could decide to try a relationship with Mikhail. I am unsure whether I will be able to go through with anything physical with him though. I am a bit embarrassed about being physically intimate with him. I know that we will have to but I do not know how I am going to react to it. I have not been with any one in that way and while I have an understanding about what is to happen I can’t see how he could enjoy it. I guess that might be a large part of my unhappiness with the situation because to me it seems that it would just hurt him and I can’t think that I would enjoy that.
On the other hand though Mikhail already has lain with another man and he liked it. Perhaps he would like it with me as well but maybe he would not. Maybe it would be a bad idea for us to be intimate because he could decide he would prefer not to do it. Then maybe I would like it and want to do it again and we will end up fighting about it. So perhaps it’s better that we don’t pursue a relationship so that we don’t have feelings about it. If we can approach the situation and just do it once then it might be okay.
I really just do not know what I want any more. All the same though if I do not decide then Mikhail may choose to leave and whether I want to be intimate with him or not I do not want him to leave.
In the morning Mikhail still does not bring up our engagement or us being physically intimate. In fact I make it though almost the whole day without his mentioning it. We spend the day in the small farm development helping to buy supplies and fix some of the buildings. Then the night finds us in the most developed of those buildings by ourselves. Mikhail turns to me when we are about to lie down to bed.
“I want to make you an offer. I’m going to suggest that there is a tournament when we return to court. I will say something about wanting to have it in honor of our wedding or something. The point is that I will compete against you and I have a wager for you. If you win then I will leave the kingdom and refuse our engagement. How ever if some how I win then I want you to try having a true relation with me including physical contact.” He tells me and I moment I find myself speechless completely unable to answer him.
“If you want.” I tell him feeling my heart beat loudly in my chest as I speak.